Blog 25 January 2022 – Fox runs up yer trouser leg – winter riding at its worst – a very late blogThe King Edward Sanitorium and the decent of certain death

Dearest SHABI’s

Your blogger has had a little mishap and consequently this ride has probably been erased you’re your conciouslness….so here’s a reminder.

This is never a ride eagerly anticipated by the Peleton as inevitably it leads uphill from the get go, no matter which route the RM decides on. Furthermore, the altitude involved means that in winter there can be blizzard conditions with snow on the top and rain at the bottom.

It has been so cold previously that both Slumpy and Sir Fallalot (RIP) set themselves on fire in the pub to get warm. The smell of Slump’s smouldering underpants will live with those who experienced it ….. forever. Amen.

Now at this stage your blogger sets about profiling one of our amazing riders with honest, accurate and insightful commentary on how they have triumphed over adversity etc. However, this week Binky Bykeknut as received many personal and emotional pleas for help and assistance. So as not to make the blog too weighty, it has been decided to skip the rider profiles this week. I’m sure you will all understand.

So on with the ride and it was a magnificent eleven rider including; Love Bus Driver (DRM), Faff Cheeks, Slumpy and his carer Tonka, Slash, Chuff, Nurse Brown, Tarmac St.John, Genghis, Big Ring, Smashie (RM)

The bikes were fettled in the now familiar dark freezing cold as all prepared for the ascent of the South Downs and into the land that time forgot. This is a hill that keeps giving and giving, and giving some more after that! However, the Peleton gave it their best and surprisingly everyone managed to get up in good order and at a fair old pace as well. We stop at the top to catch our breath and await the DRM who eventually emerges from the shrubbery with Faff.

Then, reaching the highest altitude we set off along the upsy downsy South Downs Way which is generally firm under tyre. We come across a large herd of dear and their eyes reflect the head torches with an earie amber light. Then we disturb an Owl and have a run in with a Taliban Badger. The Peleton are at one with nature as we bimble eastwards.

Another breather and the RM gives an impromptu lesson on the crash of a WWII Lancaster from 617 squadron nearby. They made it back from Germany, refuelled at Tangmere, took off and crashed into the hill. None survived.

Then on the downhill that feels like an uphill. Such is the wind and difficulty of the ploughed fields and mud that most opt for a “safety first approach” as a fall at maximum speed would be “unpleasant” to say the least. Some riders complain that their teeth fillings have fallen out due to the vibrations from the tractor tyre imprints.

Over the A893 Exeter to Aberdeen main road and we head up yet another lung busting hill. Firm under tyre but oh lordy it went on and on. Tonka is going for “king of the Mountains” award this year and is taking lots and lots of performance enhancing drugs to make sure he wins. We say “good for you” and of course drug taking is permitted in the SHABI rule book particularly if it enhances your performance.

We reach the top and recall the Baby to Bognor hand-over location at Glating Beacon. Oh those happy days and BTW whatever happy to “baby”? Nope no idea either…. Perhaps we should consider contacting the “missing persons bureau” or put up posters of summat?

Then we zoom along the downhill to meet the A893 again. Then along the ridge towards Goodwood and past the Goodwood dogging carpark. We turn down the final decent and its just great. A few buttock clenchers as the ground is a bit slippy in places.

The RM foolishly delegates responsibility to Chuff we goes wrong at the bottom of the hill. But good comes out of bad, TsJ is reunited with his ute and we take a grand photo. He’s easily pleased is our TsJ, and he’s very happy now.

Back to the pub and the DRM has to retrieve Tonka who has a botanical, but all is well and we arrive back at the pub in very good order, if a little tired.

Excellent food at the Fox and the pies get a special mention (a Lecky Lee recipe we understand)

Slash has volunteered for next and Tony the Tiger the week after – be prepared for two fantastic rides so be there.

I love you all ♥

Smashie

Scores on the doors

BINKY BYKEKNUT – A Cycling legend answers your questions

In this feature, Binky will fearlessly tackle any personal or technical issues you might have (these can be submitted via the SHABI Whatsapp group – Ask Binky)

Dear Binky,

Firstly, thank you for your earlier advice which helped us to avert the threatened industrial action over pensions at the local power station.

Like you said, the fallout was a bit of a palaver but I don’t think anyone really noticed and in 976 years I’m sure we’ll all be laughing about it.

Any road comrade. Today is a Tuesday so as usual I was tucking into my usual garlic-filled chicken and beetroot when there was a knock at the back door. Now, as you know we’ve had this silly little family drama going on since the 1600s and it’s Cousin Valerie (the one we call ‘Putrid’ because she smells of putrid cabbage).

Haven’t seen her for ages but she’s all like “I’ve come to take my stuff back”. Now, normally my husband Nathan deals with this sort of thing but he’s away for some reason and phoned me to say I should just kick her head in. But then I realised I don’t actually have any shoes and it might sting. Plus she’s got her mates from the youth club with her and I’m worried I might get the windows stoved in if I do anything to upset her - plus Val is a bit temperamental as you know.

Please can you advise on the best course of action?

Oh I nearly forgot. I’m not sure this is relevant (probably not) but my door handles don’t taste the same recently and am wondering if this could be linked somehow?

Yours,

Vlad Zolensky – no1 Kremlin Avenue Moscow Russia

Dear Vlad,

Its always tough when you have been doing your best and someone comes along and proves you have been doing it wrong all along. Physiologically it can be a real blow to your self-esteem.

My solution is simple;

1. Never admit you are wrong – Chernobyl wasn’t a nuclear disaster; it was fiction invented by the enemies of the Motherland.

2. Ignore the negativity and only talk about the positive – The Chernobyl exclusion zone is great for nature.

3. You haven’t invaded Ukraine – its just an excursion from the old folks home in Petrograd.

4. Always remember those historical grudges and slights on your character – if someone wants to “go their own way” and “start hanging out” with new friends – park your tanks on their front lawn and piss on their gladioli. They won’t forget you then.

5. If all that fails just think of a novel and cruel way to poison them – I hear Novichok is a good place to start.

6. Revenge is a dish best served cold is bollocks – they won’t be thinking that with a red hot short-medium range tactical warhead up their arse.

Long live the great Motherland and her Glorious Leadership and I hope that helps.

Binky

Dear Binky

Apparently some people clean their bikes and replace worn out parts, why do they do that? Isn't it a just waste of time and money?

From : Name withheld, Liphook

Dear PG,

It’s a tricky question and I can really appreciate your concern.

There are two schools of thought on this;

1. Those who clean their bikes and replace worn parts

2. Those who don’t.

I have to come down on the side of people who keep their bikes immaculate at all times. In fact the people who regularly clean their bikes and replace parts before failure are kind and considerate lovely people.

Here’s why:

1. Clean bikes go faster (less weight and less air resistance)

2. Cleaning the bike is not fun – but you feel righteous afterwards and can feel superior.

3. Replacing worn parts means no failures mid ride that might upset others

It all depends on how much you abuse you like or are prepared to put up with out on the trail. If you don’t clean your bike it will inevitably lead to premature wear and subsequent failure. This usually happens when you are out with others on a big ride. They freeze their bollocks off whilst you fanny around with a broken chain or some such. Consequently, you will receive confirmation that your fellow riders believe you pleasure yourself on a regular basis. No-one needs this so the answer is to clean and maintain your bike.

Now you might like this kind of abuse. Lets face it, if no-one talks to you anyway because you smell of poo, being called names is the next best thing.

Handy hint a wise man once said:

What I find works is to do thinking based maintenance - sometimes I just think about doing maintenance and then I normally have to replace worn out parts and sometimes I think about doing it and I do maintenance and then the parts last longer. Sometimes I just don’t think at all. This may also work for you.

I hope this helps

Binky

Dear Binky

Apparently some people neglect to clean their bikes and don’t replace worn out parts, why do they do that? Isn't it a just waste of time and money?

From: NB of Farnham City

Dear NB

There are two schools of thought on this;

1. Those who clean their bikes and replace worn parts

2. Those who don’t.

I have to come down on the side of people who don’t maintain their bikes and never replace a worn part till it fails. It saves money and gives you time to do the important things in life like eating and drinking and enjoying yourself.

This is why you don’t clean your bike and replace worn parts;

1. Turn up on a clean bike for every ride and you will look like you have nothing better to do and are sad and lonely

2. Dirty or clean makes no difference to how fast you can go.

3. Cleaning the bike often removes vital lubricants and grease from the bearings and result in premature failure anyway.

4. Get maximum value out of your parts by only replacing when they break – obvious!

5. Use the tiem saved to do womthing useful

6. If you hold people up on a ride know that they secretly thank you for stopping the ride so they can have a breather.

7. When you bike breaks, throw it away and buy another one – they come ready cleaned as well.

So there you have it; Don’t clean your bike and certainly don’t bother thinking about it too much.

Hope this helps

Binky

Dear Binky

Apparently some people neglect to clean their bikes and do replace worn out parts but only when they are actually worn out. Why doesn’t everybody do that? Isn't it just sense?

From; G of Rogate

Oh fluck off – I’ve had enough of this!