Dearest SHABI’s

Once again British customer service was at its best with a long and complicated phone call to make arrangements for with much toing and froing with the chef via at least five intermediaries was required. Anyway it was sorted and the new Lord Points Master issued instructions accordingly. What could possibly go wrong?

Thus it was a valiant six riders who gathered in the Fox car park or should I say lake, and prepared for the off with; Smashie (RM), Tonya, Strangley, LGBT, Slasher Giles and Big Ring.

But before we talk about the ride …………lets talk about the riders, and this weeks in depth profile is none other than our very own Little Girls Bike (Temporary).

Many of the established riders thought that when new rider Sam turned up on the first ride wearing some “camo” trousers and on a teeny weeny bike that we were going to have our first “gender fluid” rider and the Diversity, Equality and inclusion officer issued strict instructions on the correct etiquette when addressing such a person.

However, after some time it became apparent that the unusual appearance was because our hero was in fact a dangerous sports high achiever being first reserve of the All Britain Skeleton toboggan polar bear cheese chasing Olympic team. So there!

The basic idea behind this sport is that you tie a cheese to the back of toboggan (normally between the legs of the driver!) and you have a 5 second start down a 5km bobsleigh run before a starving Polar bear is released. If you get to the end of the course you have won, if you do not get to the end … you are eaten by the Polar bear and because the cheese is tied between your legs …that’s where the Polar bear starts to eat.

Dear Reader, It is at this point that I must regale you with a story of incompetence and discrimination of …well Olympic proportions.

Firstly lets deal with the British Toboggan supplied by Papier Mache and Doolittle Limited. Their fabrication of the main components from a water-soluble material in the cause of sustainability was not a success with most toboggans disintegration in the first 25ft.

Secondly the premature disintegration of the sled meant that there was a very high attrition rate for drivers during the Olympic selection process. Only 3 drivers survived out of 147 possible candidates.

Thirdly the Polar bears, having eaten 144 drivers, were not very hungry anymore and in fact were quite large so weren’t too bothered for final three drivers. Therefore the three remaining drivers did not get any really “hands-on” experience before the Olympics in a man on a toboggan vs starving Polar bear down the bobsleigh track scenario.

Sadly our hero was selected as first reserve as there was only enough money to send two drivers however, he was able to model the special streamlined clothing selected.

After this horrible setback our hero decided that fashion was the thing to go for and so to match his new gender fluid identity he has been modelling some onsies for a day job. We can only wish him well in his new venture.

There is a postscript to this story and I am sure you all want know how the two drivers got on in the All Britain Skeleton toboggan polar bear cheese chasing Olympic team. Well it went down to the wire but and in the final “cheese off” there was controversy as the Chinese team slipped a couple of “uppers” to the Polar bear on the British teams final run. The results weren’t pleasant and the by the time they got the Polar bear back in its cage it had eaten the British team, the course officials and half a dozen spectators. Better luck next time chaps.

So now onto the ride and as various SHABI’s filed into the pub to pre-order there was talk of going on strike in protest at the weather. There was much consideration but the local shop stewards (Tonya) felt that it was too dark for a show of hands so elected for a postal ballot but since they were on strike as well, it was just easier to go for a ride.

Its fair to say the “heavy dew” forecasted has now turned into “drizzle” and this resulted in everyone being soaked within 6ft of the start, but the ever resourceful RM took the Peleton straight up the hill to the top of the south downs. No-one was in the slightest bit chilly after that!

We then did what we do best, Bimble along, ignored the entreaties from Noah to “get on the ark before its too late” and sploshed our way along the South Downs Way. Above Petworth the RM foolishly asked the Peleton if they would like to choose another route and after a full 5 seconds of debate, decided to head back to the pub along the longest decent ever.

We traversed the open fields with a 40mph side wind which certainly was a highlight for LGBT with his love of danger. The rest of us were hanging on for dear life. Then a very pleasurable bimble into the face of the raging storm having to pedal down hill.

We arrive in East Dean and there were whispers amongst the group “are we nearly there yet?” and lo the RM directed the Peleton to the shining lights of the pub in the distance. It was indeed a religious experience for many.

I love you all ♥

Smashie

BINKY BYKEKNUT – A Cycling legend answers your questions

In this feature, Binky will fearlessly tackle any personal or technical issues you might have (these can be submitted via the SHABI Whatsapp group)

Dear Binky,

Please help.

I am an idiot – is this bad and should I do anything about it?

Yours in desperation

Genghis

Dear G,

Being an idiot is not bad.

Keep doing what you have always done. Self-improvement is a waste of time.

Hope this helps.

Binky