Dearest SHABI’s.

Fox runs up yer Trouser leg

Well goodness gracious – another blog! What is going on I hear you ask – is this new AI productivity tools revolutionising blog production? – well read on decide for yourself. 

The weather forecast was for dry sunny weather and the RM, Smashie, has warned of dusty conditions and the application of high factor sun cream to all parts of the body recommended.  

Yours Truly (YT) arrived in the car park outside the Fox Runs Free (FRF) a tad later than usual to find Tonka and Slash in the back of their van during the application of the aforesaid sun cream and seemed to be REALLY enjoying the application process enormously. Fair play, got to get your fun where you can.

We were then joined by Diamond Geezer and the ever-reliable Big Ring who had some rather “un-woke” comments to make about the application of sun cream to his nether regions. We can all appreciate the sentiment but without our Health and Safety officer and no sign of the man who does Quality Control – what can you do?

Before we get into the story of our adventure on mountain bikes, its tradition that we should talk about the riders, and the subject of this weeks detailed intimate personal profile is Diamond Geezer.

The Geezer family have only come to the attention of “the authorities” in 1678 when a “diamond” was discovered in Tooting by the Geezer family who happened to be rummaging around in an open cast rubbish tip in the aforesaid south London borough (it was a family affair with everyone from granny to the infants joining in).

The Tooting Diamond, as it became known, was a rare purple diamond with green stripes and despite the very unusual appearance was sold at auction for the princely sum of £4.56 (£34 million in todays money). The new owner, a certain Lord Percy was delighted with his purchase and mounted it into a Tiara that was given to his fiancé, a certain Lady Bury me in a Y shaped coffin Miriam Slagsby. As we all know some diamonds bring luck, and some no luck at all, and both Lord and Lady Percy died in a house fire caused by the sun shining through the Tooting diamond and setting fire to the labradoodle lying in the sun. 

However, the Geezer family were in the clear on this one and had a fortune of £4.35 at their disposal and nothing was going to hold them back. They bought the rubbish tip in Tooting and went onto discover one of the greatest diamond “pipes” in the world. Diamonds recovered from this site now adorn the rich and famous and include the infamous “Woking” diamond that was worn by Prince Andrew to Pizza Express in a forlorn attempt to mitigate his “perspiration problem”.

As time progressed the wealth of the Geezer family increased and invariably this meant that they acquired enemies jealous of their success. De Beers was one of the most tenacious of foes and started a rumour that the Geezer family was in fact pedalling “fake” diamonds engineered from Gelly babies using a process of reverse osmoplasty.

This cleverly orchestrated hatchet job very nearly did for our hero and his forebears but in the ultimate act of subterfuge our hero, Diamond Geezer himself, joined his sworn enemy to invent a range of machines to certify the origins of any diamond. When the patriarch of the family heard of this treachery, our hero, Diamond Geezer himself, was thrown unceremoniously onto the rubbish tip (ironically it was in Tooting). 

So now, as a result of the Geezer family, you can be assured that any diamond you purchase from a reputable retailer with have the “Geezer” mark stamped onto it as a mark of Quality Assurance. What a story and what a hero!

Anyway back to the ride and we start off in good order and head up towards the South Downs Way.  A small river to contend with to start but ducking and weaving meant that the peloton didn’t suffer too much. Then the hill that keeps on giving and giving and we enter the clouds which, combined with the driving sunshine made navigating a tad tricky for the RM.

Then a bit of singletrack, up and over a few fallen trees, through a shrubbery, and we are onto the South Downs way. An immediate dusty chalk warning was issued and the hero SHABI’s were all over the place dealing with the sunshine and dust. 

We then poodle along the SDW and navigate through a number of substantial lakes of dust until we reach the corner where we previously met the Dutchman on a road bike. 

The RM calls time due to the arduous conditions and the danger of heat stroke and we head for East Dean via the longest free wheel face of course in Europe. The dry dusty conditions meant the all the competitors are disqualified for furious pedalling. 

We reach East Dean and find that dust was flowing down the road like a river so we Bimble back to the car park like the heroes we are. 

An excellent meal and we head for home with no falls, mechanicals or misdemeanours. 

I love you all 

♥

Smashie

BINKY BYKEKNUT – A Cycling legend answers your questions using Binkychat A&E™

In this feature, Binky will fearlessly tackle any personal or technical issues you might have (these can be submitted via the SHABI Whatsapp group using Artificial Intelligence

Dear Binky,

I ride with a bunch of idiots and they ride even when its raining. I hate riding in the rain so what can I do so that I can ride with my friends but not get any rain on my fat arse that hangs off the back of the saddle.

Please help as I’m desperate to get out again. 

Love Bus Driver

Dear Love Bus Driver

I suggest a child’s umbrella gaffer taped onto the cross bar with a few reinforcing tie wraps. 

When it rains you can deploy the umbrella, but when it stops, you can fold it away and no-one will know. 

See my Binky A+E Video below for inspiration...

I hope this helps

Binky