The last ride from the Hinton Arms

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Dearest SHABI’s.

The last ride from the Hinton Arms

Well its been a while since the last blog with yours truly suffering from writers block in a big way. Thankfully the application of a strong enema up the back passage, along with electroshock therapy to the genital area, has stimulated an unblocking of the blockage and hence the normal blogging service will henceforth be resumed. 

It is indeed a sombre time to restart the blogging with the catastrophic news that the Hinton Arms is to close its doors in its current form on 15 February. Our number one choice for a good portion of pub grub at a reasonable price is to close… perhaps that is why it is closing. 

Closing - Sad times!

Anyway it was decided by the route planning sub-committee that a memorial ride was in order so it was Smashie (RM), Strangely (DRM), Slasher, Mrs Doyle, Big Ring, Jasper Claret, Tonka, and the man who would rather not be called Faff gathered in the car park ready for the off. 

However, before we talk about the ride, its time to talk about the riders and this weeks detailed and well researched profile is our very own Jasper Claret.

As you probably know Jasper Claret (I shall refer him to JC for ease of use) is a retired Management Consultant, formerly of the well-known global force in Management Consulting known as Wright and Doolittle Limited. However, his stellar career as a management Consultant was very much handed down from a long line of Clarets with the Claret family working in Management Consultancy back in Roman times. 

You have all heard how the Roman aqueducts are a wonder of engineering construction with a fall of 21cm per kilometre to achieve exactly the right flow rate with a fall of 1:4800. It was JC’s predecessor Claret Minimus that came up with the extraordinary calculations that enabled the Romans to all die of lead poisoning in their water. 

Claret Minimus - what a Legend

Next the Clarets turn up when William the Conqueror invaded Britain and our favourite Consulting family were on the side of the winners setting out in pictorial form what was to happen. YES the Bayeux tapestry was in fact a strategic invasion blueprint in pictorial form. It was one of a number of competing invasion blueprints and the “arrow in the eye” for King Harold was considered “innovative and particularly creative” by William the Conqueror and The Bayeuxobviously the Clarets got the commission. 

The Claret Tepestry, better than the other one

The fame of the Claret family spread far and wide and pretty much no decision could be made without referring to a Management Consultant and of course the Clarets were considered the best of the best of the best. Some notable achievements that can be attributed to the skills of Claret Management Consultancy include:

• Zepplins should use Hydrogen as the main gas to provide lift – what could possibly go wrong. 

• The Titanic could not be sunk by an Iceberg 

• The HS2 high speed railway line would cost £245 to build, and generate £4 Billion of savings every year and be built in six-months.

• Great Britain could design its own Early Warning radar mounted in a Nimrod aircraft frame.

• The Millenium bug was going to be an Extinction event

• Net zero is a brilliant idea and will make us all much much richer. 

• A woman can have a penis.

I think you will agree the retirement of JC is a national tragedy and we can only hope he has passed the torch onto his relatives so that glorious tradition of Management Consultancy can continue to benefit mankind … and woman kind of course … if you are “questioning” then you need to refer to Wright and Doolittle Limited.

How JC earned his SHABI nickname

So back to the ride. Everyone pre-ordered in the usual way and we prepared in the car park for the adventure to come. Strangely, wishing to make up for being a bit late, volunteered himself as DRM and off we went. 

The first obstacle was a small lake the junction between the pub car park and the A2429 Aberdeen to Lisbon main road but despite the temptation for an early bath, we all made it across without mishap. 

It was mostly a dry ride, apart from the wet bits

Then through Cheriton and we keep ourselves in stealth mode due to the recent murder just in case there was some mass killer out there – can’t be too careful these days. 

Then we reach the left turn and head up towards Gander Down with the tyres touching mud for the first time. YT was up front with the man who would rather not be called Faff and it would seem our hero is coming to terms with the self-evident truth that his nickname is unlikely to change soon. Our hero is at peace with himself and is looking forward to some skiing in the near future.

Then into some small wood and the mud becomes a tad stickier but nevertheless with gentle pedalling and the correct choice of gear, good progress could be made. Then into the first open field and a swoop downhill. On picking up speed water in the grass was flung in all directions by the tyres and made the rider experience similar to have a power shower with no hot water. 

We reach the shortcut identified by Smashie to avoid the bog of certain death and we bimble down towards Tichborne. No great dramas and the farm track was good and firm under tyre albeit with the occasional lake to navigate through. 

We then reach the Tichborne Arms and we consider if this could possibly replace the Hinton Arms. We decide not to go in and ask as that would probably be fatal to our chances. We’ll phone when the time comes. 

Tichborne Arms - Welcomes riders covered in sticky mud

Then along the road and some very light dew starts to fall. We press on into the dew but note that it increases in intensity to heavy dew with added hail. The intensity increases again and the state of the weather is officially upgraded to Light drizzle. 

We turn on the Itchen Way and the light drizzle makes visibility “difficult” and we are all getting rather damp … and cold. Across the golf course and we are all thinking “why did I forget my water wings again!”. 

Appledown Lane is next and leads all the way back to the Hinton Arms. This is where we come across the start of the muddy section…. and flip was it muddy. Difficult to keep in a straight line and a clay/chalk muddy goo sprayed everywhere…. but being the heros’s we are … we laugh in the face of adversity .. or maybe it was whimpering – difficult to tell at the front. 

With everyone pretty chilly and a bit moist, it was a blessed relief to navigate the lake outside the pub and reach the carpark in safety with joyous thoughts all round. 

So we strip off in the light drizzle (who needs a plunge pool when you can be naked in the pissing rain in the pub car park!) and head into the pub to get warm. And it was warm too, the heating was on and there was hot water in the gents toilets – wow – no wonder they are closing their doors, you can’s make a profit whilst serving good food with the heating on. 

This is a 'starter' at the Hinton Arms

We discuss our absent friends and there is concern regarding our Slumpy who is preparing himself for a trip to see his family in Australia. It is believed that he has to be inoculated against Green Monkey disease but we suspect it is the Green Monkeys that will need to inoculated (© Faff). Fear not good citizens of Australia and New Zealand, Slumpy is only staying for a couple of weeks. 

Sometimes, without a prompting a rider reveals something about themselves that is not widely known, and so the next blog will reveal all about the hitherto unknown talents of one of our most distinguished riders (or so you thought).

A great 11 miles with no falls, Mechanicals or Botanicals. What a blast

I love you all 

♥

Smashie

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BINKY BYKEKNUT – A Cycling legend answers your questions using Binkychat A&E™

In this feature, Binky will fearlessly tackle any personal or technical issues you might have (these can be submitted via the SHABI Whatsapp group using Artificial Intelligence

Dear Binky,

I ride with a bunch of idiots and they are much faster than me. That makes me cry.

What drugs do you recommend for “enhancing performance” so I can go faster.

Ms Daisy.

Dear Ms Daisy,

Try rubbing really hot chilies onto your rectal sphincter.

You will be able to ignore the pain in your legs and lungs as the pain from “elsewhere” will overwhelm all other sensations. 

Take a little jar of the really hot chillies with you on the ride so if you feel yourself dropping back, you can discretely apply some more.

I hope this helps

Binky