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  • Writer's pictureLBD

02 Apr, Five Bells Buriton, (12,9)

Updated: Apr 8, 2021

Dear SHABI’s,

CONROVERSY before the ride had even started, Chuffy wanted to join the PPCC (Property Pedlars Cycling Club) in Selbourne but overruled by the Lord Points Master. Chuffy not happy at all, so much so, that he had to be reminded that the Lord Points Master’s decision is final and that’s that (rule 1, section a, part i).

The 5 Bells - Like pubs used to be...

So we gather at the Five Bells in Buriton with trouble again as the vans of Smashie and Dave the Plasterer not fitting in the carpark. So they went to park outside the church (handy so that after the ride it was east to strip the lead off the church roof without having to repark)

We gather outside the pub with twelve riders including; Dave the Plasterer, Simon the Wheels, Chuffy, Slumpy, Tonka, Smashie, Sir Fallalot, Plastic man, Algernon, Fracker, Genghis and (drumroll) our very own C2C7 - who managed to blow his rubber before we left the car park (Don't ask).

Slumpy loves Tom's BIRD so much he rides it the minute he arrives

We set off with Smashie as RM and Genghis as deputy RM acting as Back Marker. Along the road and Plastic Man suffers a catastrophic drive train failure and has to retire (Lord Points Master to Adjudicate on mileage – I don’t fancy Plastic Man’s chances – LPM is living up to his reputation as a “hard man” these days – ask Chuffy).

Sir Fall A Lot brought his new ebike, but it wouldn't start

Unsurprisingly the RM takes the remaining riders straight up the QE hill to link up with the blue route and all riders are on the red line with pacemakers going at full speed. We pick up the climb to the trails and ask another rider we meet about red route vs blue route. He says the red route is a bit “burnt out”. Hand hint for those wishing to project credibility when discussing trails with other riders you meet – just remember to say “yeah man the red route is a bit burnt out” and for certain your audience will think you knowledgeable and a flucking brilliant rider.

We press on to the top and the RM warns everyone about the jumps (..and the burnt out trail) and off we go. The blue route is just GREAT. Dave the Plasterer is a demon on the descent and clearly as fast, or faster, than Ming the Merciless in his pomp.

Up the hill again and onto West Harting Down. A bit of brain fade from the RM and we go around for a bit and then we head off down the trail on the right hand side of the fire road.

Genghis gives free lessons in how to safely push a bike uphill

Now the RM was sure he warned everyone there is a jump but the other ten riders disagree. Anyway as the RM (Smashie) ad Dave the Plasterer waited at the bottom and there was no sign of the remaining riders. So retracing our wheel tracks we arrive at the final jump to find an apocalyptical scene of blood, guts and mayhem.

From the emotional and excited chatter your blogger has painstakingly put all the vital facts together and made up the following verbatim account of what really happened. Tonka had been doing his thang and giving it large when he had a “moment” and decided to tackle the final “jump” … full on …. only to bottle it when it was far too late (ie the front wheel was on the lip of the jump and he was travelling at full speed). The result was that our hero was catapulted off his bike head first into a very solid chalky bank. There was bits of bike, blood and guts everywhere but the superbly trained SHABI’s sprang into action producing, seemingly out of nowhere, a full surgical theatre and enough bandages, plasters, surgical trusses etc to support a medium sized humanitarian disaster in Africa.

Before you knew it our Tonka was fully bandaged up and heading for the pub and cheery as a sandboy (okay it did take a couple of goes to get the hang of pedalling his bike but we put this down to loss of blood). Grateful thanks to all that helped – great teamwork.

So back to the pub without incident and a great meal. The photos tell the story – everyone’s a winner.

IMPORTANT note – time for a bit of serious chat:

Thank you to those with the first aid kits – gentle reminder – replace anything you used.

For everyone one else can I ask you to PLEASE come to the rides with the following basic items:

1. A basic first aid kit including a thermal blanket/jacket

2. Bike multitool including chain breaker

3. Tubeless – tyre repair kit (worms) and pump

4. Tubed – levers inner tubes and pump

5. Chain quick link – that fits your chain (note to Bird Owners – its not standard)

Its not fair to rely on others, and as you can see above, it can go seriously wrong very quickly for the most innocuous reasons. There is no compulsion to do this – its up to you.

Scores on the doors.


Smashie :-)

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