04 Aug, Crondall, (16,6)
So here it is: the holy grail, the forgotten blog, the product of sheer SHABI incompetence and laziness, a man in a raincoat at a playground, a Blog within a Blog:
The Inaugural SHABI Crondall Ride - 4th August 2020. 16.15 miles, 1237ft Ascent
Remember - this ride was after the first lockdown, before the second and during a period when nobody could quite believe the pubs were open again and some who quite literally had forgotten what sexuality they were. So, present at this ride were King Smashie (oh no that's another blog), Big Ring, Fracker (bugger, almost close enough to Frankincense), Ghenghis, Chuffy, Slumpy and his carer Tonka, Strangely Brown and an (as yet unnamed) new joiner called Dan. Now Dan had come completely unprepared on what appeared to be something the local recycling centre would present to their least favourite employee at a Christmas party and was immediately awarded the working SHABI name of 'Shite Bike'. This was soon to change.
Now obviously with the passing of time the exact highlights of this ride are lost but included: the same bit of the Christmas ride but without the mud, a large caterpillar tracked tractor (exact model number unknown as TSJ not yet invented), and a terror incident involving an innocent pedestrian approached 'at speed' by Faff Cheeks who momentarily thought he was in an episode of The Dukes of Hazard whilst being Hotly Pursued by Chuffy. Oh yes, this ride had it all.
A high speed descent to Bentley, with zero visibility due to the dust plume, a key linking route which did not in any way cross the private land of Mr G Errof-Myland of Isnage Farm (Crime reference: 126XTC69) , a nice view somewhere and a sun baked field highlighting the fatal flaw of the Bird Aeris 120 - a vibration induced 'chain off' experienced by both Chuffy and Faff within a few yards of each other. Mechanical points deducted.
Lower Froyle and the climb to Saintbury Hill Farm were dispatched with ease by Big Ring as usual and with Hawkins Wood providing a welcome team comfort break of which Godfrey from Dad's Army would be proud. Absolutely no damage occurred to the archeological Tumulus at Yarnams Farm and Sheephouse Copse provided some excellent single track to loop back round for a high speed descent towards home along Hangar's Hyle copse.
The return took the group past Monty's Farm - the last residence of the famous Army Officer better known as 'Bernard' or simply 'Field Marshall Bernard Law Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of Alamein KG, GCB, DSO, PC, DL, JCB'. There was significant potential Historical interest to absorb here.... but the reality was a group of grown men complaining about bramble scratches - almost certainly the single 'superwhinger' event which resulted in the pubs being closed nationally for the second time in a year for "character-building purposes".
Back to the Feathers for some fantastic grub in the back room where Dan unwittingly divulged his entire life history after being asked what time it was. This included his time as a professional arsonist in the Windsor area, personal physician to the late and previously otherwise healthy Paul Daniels and a less interesting period as 'cabin crew' on Emirates 1st aircraft which was actually made of recycled budgerigars. These revelations were immediately sized upon by the naming committee i.e. Anyone who could be arsed, and after hardly any iterations at all 'Shite Bike' became 'Trolly Dolly'. And so it started.
Now It's time to get back to the future