Dear SHABI’s

When you are in your dotage and your personal care assistant has finished putting on your incontinence pad and putting on the dementia restraints, you will remember this ride above all else. If you were on the ride, you will bask in the glory and the esprit de corps from this epic ride, if you were not there, you will hang your head in disbelief at your own youthful stupidity.

So it was Smashie to RM from Arundel Castle and the elite riders gathered in the Car Park. Big clap for The Faffinator for travelling from the other side of the planet to get there on time (no he has not got a STD – Big Clap as in “clap for the NHS” etc). Lootenant Dan was there hoping to expunge the conviction for Bunny Murder most foul and Dobs making a welcome return after his MTB downhill world championship in France (I understand he came “mid field” in the overall standings ..average). Big Ring was there, as reliable as ever, and raring to go.

Then in the distance we could hear the distinctive deep throated roar of a 895cc Diesel Corsa Ecoblue GLX Grande Turismo driven at hitherto unbelievable speeds (over 29mph!!!) and driven by the ever reliable former Police rapid response driver Tonka with Strangely Brown as co-driver (looking out for, and giving warning of, natural hazards like roundabouts and the like). Through the ancient streets of Arundel they passed, and although being the Ecoblue model, the emissions from the Diesel did kill off a few OAP’s who were loitering with intent to use a pedestrian crossing. Despite the TWO bikes mounted on the ROOFRACK the 895cc Diesel Corsa Ecoblue GLX Grande Turismo only slowed to 10mph to get up the high street. Nevermind the incidental casualties, they rounded the final corner and were about to enter the Castle Car Park in style when Tonka noticed the “travelling Community anti-trespass height barriers” and realised the bikes atop the 895cc Diesel Corsa Ecoblue GLX Grande Turismo would not fit. Going into “Police rapid response drive mode” he slammed on the brakes leaving Strangely Brown’s face pressed against the inside of windscreen (that is a sight that will live in my mind rent free for ever). Such was Tonkas lightning reactions that it was only the headlight on Tonka’s bike that made contact with the barrier and DISASTER was averted.

So we fettled and adjusted the bikes and used the facilities adjacent to the car park to their fullest extent.

Oh perhaps I should say that the heavy dew that was falling at this stage and was predicted to stop at 6:30 pedal off time and when it didn’t stop – we were not concerned. The SHABIs are of course the “hard men and women” of the MTB world.

We set off and go past Arundel station and Dobbie takes a diversion off to see if he could catch the 18:35 to back home but the train drivers were on a work to rule (the rule being that they don’t work) so he has to rejoin the Peloton.

We bimble trough Warningcamp and turn right onto the Bridleway. The RM announced a “Slippy chalk warning” and promptly Tonka and Lt Dan came down very hard (everyone stopped and waited for signs of life – it was that bad) and The Faffinator does a 180 on his E-bike without any steering input at all (he was in ECO mode however). This was slippy chalk at its most lethal – ie we had all forgotten what it means to be on Slippy chalk – one tiny twitch too many, and you are on the ground in double quick time on really hard flinty ground. Luckily our heroes are shaken and bruised but fit enough to gingerly bimble onwards.

Suddenly the Peloton had gone from gaily riding along at a reasonable speed to ultra caution and progress slowed dramatically. This was to have unfortunate consequences later on. 

Anyway we proceed up a short sharp hill and we gather ourselves and ride along through the forest along the tracks and generally calm down.

The heavy dew mentioned previously was still falling in a persistent manner.

Then a sharp downhill usually taken at a speed just below the speed of sound but tonight it was taken at a walking pace. Slippy chalk.

Then along the farm road and the RM takes a fateful decision to “cut the ride” a bit shorter due to the slower speed.

No problem – what could possibly go wrong.

Now some history behind this fantastic ride. Usually scheduled for the height of summer for the glorious sunsets and riding through the gorgeous country side the route incorporates some trails that run through fields of corn/barley and the like (think about the scene from Gladiator). Gorgeous in summer but rather different in heavy dew (which was still falling in abundance)

So the route takes us through a field of waist high oats and the RM plunges in first. I say “plunges” because the oat plants were carrying a LOT of water which, when brushed off by a passing rider,  trickled down the shorts and into the shoes.

How much water was there? Well LOTS and thankfully The Faffinator was able to do some “on the fly” mental arithmetic to calculated just how much was “LOTS” of Water.

Using the well-known formula:

Where:

y = the weight of water in kg

f = competence of the Rm – scale of 0-10 – we shall use -1 being a complex number

n = the number of bikes

s = the length of riders socks in mm

l = the length of the stem of the crop being ridden through.

w = avg number of teeth on the last riders Big Ring

So here is the maths (remember maths …only people like Nurse Brown do maths these days)

Y = 1-(-1^7((28664.86567*78112.876)/-1)+((20/78112.876)^67))/(20^7))

Y= 1 – (23434.478 + 124871.1254)

y = 4kg

Yes you read that correctly – 4kg of water down the sides and into the shoes of each rider. Flippin heck!

So we progress through the field of oats and out the other side. The Faffinator says he has so much water in his shoes that when he brakes, all the water rushes to the toes. When he accelerated all the water rushed to the back of the shoes (even in ECO mode!).

Then a long false flat and we are in the clouds and still the heavy dew continues to fall. Then along he south downs way and picking up speed we are all soaked from the spray.

Those with glasses are unable to see anymore due to misting up.

Then down the 1km descent which sadly was not observed by anyone due to the mist, heavy dew and spray. Then along a bit of tarmac and we stop ready to tackle the final stint over to Gurka Suspension bridge.

Firstly we have to lift the two E-bikes over two styles which were wired for power (and keeping out the cattle). Fluck E-bikes are heavy and note to any RM planning to go along a bridleway with stiles. The electric fence makes it even more interesting.

Over the final stile and we enter the jungle. The Faffinator spots some Viet Cong  but we lose sight of them as they run away from our fearsome presence.

Then, in a small break in the lush foliage we come across the Gurka Suspension bridge. Amazing place. In the middle of the rolling chalk downland there is a jungle with a suspension bridge in the middle. Who’d have thought!

We have to press on as time was running out and the jungle is so thick those without lights were really struggling with yet more persistent Heavy dew making everything very muddy.

FINALLY, we emerge onto Tarmac and we bimble back to Arundel now in the pitch black (oh and did I mention – it was still pissing down!)

NOW a desperate rush to find some food and Pizza Express took us in, probably out of sympathy. When we explained what we had just achieved, the waitress had that “okay lets get them fed and watered and hopefully they will leave without any agro” expression.

What a ride, what fantastic riders and what shit weather….but was it really “more shit than we expected?” – I think not. This is what we do ♥