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  • Writer's pictureLBD

11 June, Midhurst, 12 Miles

Dear SHABI’s


A welcome return to Midhurst at special request of Slumpy who wanted to do the “ride we did before but in reverse”. After a lot of discussion the ride was identified and Smashie was volunteered to RM.


Always keen to expand the historical knowledge of the peloton, Smashie expostulated a new theory on Hitlers final movements before retirement (confirmed by our own resident Conspiracy Theorist – Strangely)


 


It is proven fact the following actually happened: as the Allies were slowly crushing the Nazi regime with the Russians from the East and the Americans from the West, Mr and Mrs Hitler were giving thought to retirement and after some internet searching put down an offer on a delightful two-bedroom bungalow in Torquay.


It needed some work but they could offer cash and do the work as and when. Although they had exchanged, there was a problem, and with the Russians at the gates of Berlin, the Hitlers went onto Air BNB to see if they could get some temporary accommodation similar to the delightful underground residence they had occupied since the Americans had started carpet bombing Berlin.


The first property they identified was at Bunkerstrasse 2 in the middle of Hankley Common but it was noisy and the nearest town was Aldershot – say no more. So they moved onto Bunkerstrasse 3 nr Midhurst for a short stay before moving to Torquay.



Mincing about on Hitler's Bunker, it's what he would have wanted

Homes under the Hammer must be sh***ing themselves


So the SHABI’s, led by Smashie, were to visit Bunkerstrasse 3 and reinterpret the past to suit todays modern inclusive society trying to re-create those troubled times through the eyes of the Hitler family in a bunker nr Midhurst and see it through their lived experience. What’s not to like?



However, before we get on with reimagining the past, lets talk about the riders and this weeks in-depth profile is our newest recruit Ready-mix Concrete.


If it's concerete you're want, Ready-mix is your man

As you know various Concrete’s have been around for centuries with its first use in man-made structures being by the Romans. Indeed our hero’s direct descendant Readmixus Concreteous was famous for his pantheon and other most notable monuments to Roman Engineering.


Unfortunately, the family went through a lean period under the leadership of the Saxon branch of the family under Readymixitis Concretitius who was trying to demonstrate that concrete could float on water and died from drowning wearing some concrete speedos – it wasn’t until the invention of Slag blasted Concrete by Ms Readytomixit Concreteundercrackers that floating concrete structures really took off (Mulberry Harbours etc).


The current Concrete family are true innovators with Readytofailmix Concretefailure inventing both High Alumina Cement and Reinforced Autoclaved Aerated Concrete both of which have been disastrously ineffective at doing what concrete should do.


The Ready-mix Concrete that we all know is not only a great new addition to our group but also an innovator finding uses for concrete not imagined before. He currently specialised in the “concrete waistcoat” to assist those learning to swim and is doing a roaring trade with sections of the Italian community.



Ready Mix Loves his Beach hut on Hayling Island - and say's any SHABI can use it whener they want - just ask him!

So with all this information to digest, take a break before we get to describing the ride as it was an epic of complete incompetence. Once again the medical drug trial for BULLSHITAMINS meant the distribution of drugs to all riders with Strangely taking a double dose as he has a proven case of the shitters.



 

We set off in good order with Smashie as RM, Slumpy and his carer Tonka, Big Ring, Ready-mix Concrete, The Faffinator, Strangely Brown, Nurse Brown, Mrs Doyle, Whoops a Daisy and LBD as DRM. Past the ponds and along the Rother towards Cowdray stables. We meet a lady who exclaims at Smashie’ s Bird, so no time is lost trying to recruit her to the SHABI cause. I’d be very surprised if we ever hear from her again, but we must keep our grooming skills well honed.


Then rather a long road section past the polo fields at Heyshott before head over the old railway and take a breather to admire the plant and machinery used to maintain the polo fields. Oh TsJ how we miss your passionate and super accurate expostulations on the correct deployment of grass cutting machinery. Please come out riding again soon.


Then past a farm and we go past some horses. Strangely takes a fancy to some rutting  and comes …….. off his bike – he claims it was all premature, but we all know better. Then onto Graffam via a very soggy downhill and we gather for the first section of nettle lashing.

Very tricky riding and in trying to avoid the nettles many came a cropper on the slippy chalk steps including Mrs Doyle who has a little lie down (….and so will you when you reach 159 years young!).






Then through the hay meadows and sublime riding. We stop at a gate and last through is the Faffinator who has switched to his E-bike from ECO to Super Boost mode. He sneezes and accidentally pedals whereupon his E-bike does a complete wheelie / endo throwing our hero to the ground with a sickening thud. We are concerned but as soon as we realise he can make a noise (groan in this case) we realise he is fine and set off.







We then get to Heyshott central and bimble along until we get to Goldballs Plantation. The RM advises supergranny gear and we thread our way up the side of a modest pimple of a hill. We then stop and imagine Adolf, Eva and their dog Blondi walking romantically hand in hand towards Bunkerstrasse 3 with Blondi busy catching and eviscerating any squirrels in the vicinity.


We then pedal to the bunker itself and we inspect the accommodation. We imagine Adolf and Eva cooking their breakfast over a primus stove and we think about what they would have said to each other to really appreciate their lived experience…






Eva” Shall we invite Fat Herman and his awful mistress over for tea, you know the current mistress with the Big boobies?”


Adolf “Nein, they have gone on holiday to Argentina courtesy of the Vatican”

Eva” oh well we will have to invite over the British Royal Family they used to be admirers of you my dear”


Adolf “Nein, they are a bit pissed off with me for bombing London”


Eva “How sad we seem to have no friends …oh ubersnitzel the dog has shat on the floor…..”

Adolf  “Nein, that was me…..”


……..and so on…. An idyllic scene of marital bliss in the homestead.


So the Peloton then head down the hill from Bunkerstrasse 3 and the 180 degree berm promised by the RM to be more “exciting” than reimagining Hitler and Eva however it turned out to be a bit too easy for the skilled riders of the SHABI’s and we move onto the main trail for home.





BIG RING is our esteemed Lords Points Master and some have described his “none of that nonsense” demeanour as a “taciturn” …. but I say this is just a man who is “economical with words” and “doesn’t like a fuss”. Indeed his no-nonsense attitude applies to his riding, he will keep going till his leg falls off, tape it back on with gaffer tape, and keep riding.


The same applies to negotiating obstacles; be they a 45 degree 100m drop in Wales, slippy chalk or a small puddle – its head down, maximum power and obstacle cleared – no fuss.

So our hero spots a smallish puddle and adopts his unusual posture – head for the middle, maximum power and all will be fine…only it wasn’t fine…1/3 of the way in the puddle became deep, and the mud sucked at his wheels. By halfway he had slowed down even with the application of maximum power and boost.


He was now in a terrible place, hardly moving and in the middle of the puddle. However, he remembered his core beliefs that when all was said and done, he was the Lord Points master and a SHABI ….. so he toppled off his bike into the middle of the puddle and got very wet and muddy.


The watching Peloton where aghast at our hero’s misfortune and decided to laugh it off when inside we were all crying – oh how could such misfortune befall one man.

We shall talk of this incident no more …… until the next time Big Ring goes near a puddle.






So we continue on our way with the vision of Big Ring’s arse in the air and his face under water still haunting us – it’s the stuff of nightmares and early onset PTSD.

We reach the restaurant still in shock but a few beers later and we have all forgotten and we enjoy ourselves enormously.


Next week its Sir Fallalot’s memorial ride – lets remember him in style – everyone encouraged to attend if possible.


I love you all


Smashie ❤️



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