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4 June, Hinton Ampner

Dearest SHABI’s.

 

So it was back to Hinton Ampner and the Hinton Arms and the scene of the Bunny Murder which occurred on our last visit.


The prosecuting authorities had asked for a reenactment in case more witnesses wanted to come forward and indeed a “life-size” approximation of a bunny was placed under the rear tyre of the Discovery V12 mk4 used by the Faffinator to see if any memories where triggered.


No-one really cared and clearly the Bunny Murder is last week’s news. So the prosecutors have decreed the guilty parties (Lootenant Dan and the Faffinator) are clearly guilty but so what – it would be a couple of hours of community service so it’s just not worth taking any further.


Your blogger can also exclusively reveal the deliberations of the Nicknames and Disciplinary sub-committee and the application by “Faff Cheeks” to change his nickname to something else. After hours and hours of considering the alternatives, they concluded that although this gentleman has made some progress in earning a new moniker, more effort is needed, and that no notable stupidity has been observed to suggest a new nickname is deserved.


However, in deference to our hero, who is undoubtably a complete idiot and we love him dearly. It has been decided to change his name officially to:



“The Faffinator”.


'Faff Cheeks' is dead - long live 'The Faffinator'!


So as we assemble in the car park, we welcome the continued attendance of Readymix Concrete who has acquired a 15 billion lumen headlight. It makes it look like the sun has come out on a cloudy day.



Next, we are delighted to see Jay who so heroically assisted Smashie when he had a tumble at Rogate Down Hill (Smashie will for ever be in his debt).



Jay returned from some steep downhill action to join the SHABIs


Sparky Dick is also making a welcome reappearance since relocating to Basingstoke and we salute his dedication to cycling with idiots – it takes a special kind of person so please get to grips with your Diary Engineering skills.




Sparky - 'McDick'

Next SHOCK! A flash looking electric Porche swerves into the carpark scattering bikeists in all directions. It nearly hits a bunny rabbit and screeches to a halt next to the Slumpymobile in a cloud of dust and pea shingle. The assembled throng of bikeist can only think of “bankers” but then to our shock/horror and delight – TARMAC St John emerges with a sheepish grin from the Porche Tucan 23GW 0-60 in 2millisecond beast. What a lovely surprise to see our hero again, and we gather round to take the piss out of his new car – it’s worth more than all the other SHABI vehicles combined multiplied by two with a nought on the end.



Combining his love of cycling AND cars - Tarmac's Car is VERY impressive!


So we order the food and generally get our stuff together and ready for the off. Strangely is nominated DRM as he is the only one who can count to 14 – yes that’s; Smashie RM, Jay, Argy, Slash, LBD, Readymix, The Faffinator, Nurse Brown, Slumpy, Tonka, TsJ, Big Ring, Sparky, Strangely DRM.


That’s a lot of riders!


Some have picked up the RM’s designation of a “Torment level 7” ride and had come suitably protected …others had not…



So we set off on the road aiming for Hill Houses. We meet two yoofs who were riding the jumps in the little valley and although we offered to show them how to do it properly, the RM was a spoilsport and said time was of the essence with so many bikeists in the group.

Then the first section of mud and nettles and there was much whimpering from the unprotected, but we soon emerge into the open fields and head towards Gander Down and Allan King Way.


This is mountain biking at its zenith; rolling countryside, out with your mates and being lashed by nettles. There is something for everyone and the Faffinator spots a FV4323 (tank without a gun) with artillery towing adaptions in the distance and wants to go and play, but is told that his restraining order has not expired yet.


Then over the A32 and this is a real dice with death causing much consternation to motorists but hey – we laugh in the face of a painful death.






Then into Little Hampage wood and the nettles are joined by brambles – there is much wailing. Out the other side and we have to ride very close to an electric fence. Tonka’s natural curiosity gets the better of him, and he sticks his tongue on the exposed wire only to find it is live … no he has not had a perm, his hair will always look that way from now.

We reset at the farmyard and then head on through more nettles albeit in the pleasant surrounds of Hampage Wood. We reach a collection of wood harvesting equipment and TsJ looks like he is going to declare he is pregnant with triplets – he is that happy! Pictures are taken and we celebrate his joy.



'Dear Jim, Please could you fix it for me to touch my favourite tractor'

Then Smashie makes and announcement. He has volunteered the SHABI’s to take part in a medical trial for a new drug called BULLSHITAMINS produced by the renowned manufacturer of Oxycontin; Purdue Pharma. Apparently, this NEW drug will prevent the “talking about/ thinking about/ disseminating/ writing about” BULLSHIT. This blogger has taken the drug for weeks and you can see how effective it has been. Side effects are minimal including; permanent paralysis, memory loss and irreversible partial blindness.





 



County Lines 2.0

With such clear benefits there were many volunteers before Smashie had reached the end of his sales pitch, Slash being particularly keen. Strangely had a double dose as he said he felt an “attack of the shiters” coming on.


We then progress on through Hampage Wood and the going gets tough with nettles, deep mud and deep ruts. Given Mrs Doyle’s recent experience in Wales we are all nervous.

However we prevail and reach Ovington in good order and bimble along the roads towards Alresford.


Then its over the golf course and we revel on the beautiful fairways and the short grass. Apparently some SHABI’s are golfists and we can only admire the amount of spare time they have to pursue such a pointless game.


Then past the sewage works and onto the Oxdrove tracks. Its getting late so the RM calls Hammer Time and it’s a blast back to the pub. The DRM has to rescue two stragglers and that is why we have a DRM.





Ready-in-the-mix


An excellent meal that is served really quickly by the most friendly staff. The Green Dragon and the Hinton Arms are our favs.


I  love you all ♥

  

Smashie




 


BINKY BYKEKNUT – A Cycling legend answers your questions using Binkychat A&E™

In this feature, Binky will fearlessly tackle any personal or technical issues you might have (these can be submitted via the SHABI Whatsapp group using Artificial Intelligence)






Dear Binky,


Can you tell me what the Torment levels are?


Thankyou


REadymix Concrete

 


Dear RmC,


We SHABI's love to torment our bodies by riding through nettles and brambles at high speed in off camber narrow rutted tracks with chaly rocks and roots - here is a simple guide to the numbering system:


Torment level

Description

Level 1 torment

No injury – would be possible to ride naked without risk – middle of winter all brambles and nettles are dead. No gorse bushes on the route. RM is a hero

Level 2 torment

Very minor injury possible mainly due to incompetent riding. May be injury during collision with stationary object or deviation from the trail

Level 3 torment

Very minor injury due to very few nettles/brambles on the trail. Wearing of protective clothing will prevent injury completely

Level 4 torment

Injury possible but unlikely to draw blood or cause any lasting discomfort. Possible to avoid most sources of injury.

Level 5 torment

Elevated risk of injury with risk of scratches drawing a little blood if no protection worn. Injury unavoidable even with protection. RM is called a silly billy

Level 6 torment

More serious injury certain if no protection. Lasting pain for at least 24 hrs. RM’s parentage questioned. Nettle rash will prevent sleep for 24hrs.

Level 7 torment

Injury certain and some blood loss. Lasting pain and other injuries taking a few days to heal. No sleep for 48hrs. Medication required. RM will be unpopular.

Level 8 torment

Injury and much blood loss certain with effects lasting more than a week. RM facing mutiny.

Level 9 torment

Ride delayed whilst first aid is applied to injured riders. Some riders don’t make it. The RM is injured when thrown into a patch of nettles/brambles / gorse bush and beaten.

Level 10 torment

Known as a Dobbie – death likely for everyone due to blood loss from completely overgrown trail. Riding impossible. RM meets a very painful death from surviving rider at the end of the ride.


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