Dear Shabi’s

15th October – Mild misdemeanours from Midhurst

Another week and another ride eagerly anticipated. Smashie is so keen to get going that he arrives at Genghis’ encampment in the pikey van a whole 15 minutes early. Genghis was anxious to get away from the offspring (youngest had just done a poo in the bath) so we arrive in the Midhurst car park rather early. Our two heroes observe a suspicious looking character taking his trousers off behind his car revealing some string Y-fronts. It is quickly realised that only a very senior Law Enforcement Operative would wear such apparel and we realise it was of course our very own C2C7 fresh from deploying some traffic cones without need to refer to a higher authority.

So leaving C2C7 to undress, our two heroes settle down to talk about the falling yields on commercial properties and other Surveying bollocks when our we hear, first very faintly, but getting louder and louder, some “banging” music (well at least that’s what I think the yoof call it). Then we see the source of the banging music in the form of a large silver lorry/coach/bus/Winnebago. This vehicle now lurching around the roundabout leaning, like a clipper under full sail taking a hard-right hand turn, swept into the car park and halted next to the pikey van. Genghis and Smashie were agog and C2C7 completely forgot himself and wandered over in nothing but his string Y-fronts.

Then the side door opened and in a dazzling display of dry ice and laser pyrotechnics all to a banging soundtrack …. Algee emerged – well to say this was a bit of a let-down was an understatement – the audience were expecting great things and we got….Algee.

Anyway Algee then proceeded to show the assembled SHABI’s around his palatial vehicle which included: ensuite shower with Bidet and Jacuzzi, Champaign bar, Lounge, lounge diner, kitchen diner, 8 bedrooms – all ensuite, walk in fridge freezer, bicycle workshop …and I could go on and on but we had a bike ride to do and C2C7 was still wandering about in his Y-fronts and scaring the locals.

Meanwhile other SHABi’s were arriving with Genghis, Smashie, C2C7 now joined by Simon the Wheels, Dobbie, Big Ring, Daisy, Chuff, Tonka, Slumpy and Rocket Man (aka our Nige).

So a ride of 12 SHABI’s with Smashie as RM with Chuff as DRM and despite the hysterics over Algee’s Love Bus, we note that our man Nige has a new BIRD in bright orange along with Four4th lights – Our Nige has really been bitten by the bug and we welcome his headlong investment is so much hardware so soon – big respect.

Algee has a new Whyte as well – so much comparing of specifications and admiring noises all round.

We gather the Peleton together and comment that herding cats would be easier. Our man Nige is however adjusting his back pack – so we wait patiently...

Nope Nige is adjusting his brake leaver adjusting things.

Nope Nige is taking off his waterproof.

Nope Nige is putting a cover on his back pack.

BANG – that’s it LPM loses it, and our Nige has a misdemeanour point for faffing and a new nickname ta da …

Overall we must complement our Nige for achieving so much in so few rides including a new nickname – Simon the Wheels has been riding with us for ages and he is still known as Simon the Wheels because no-one can think of anything else.

So finally we set off and head straight up the “false flat” known as Bexley Hill. We note that there was some small exertion to overcome the deep mud, ruts and so on, and we emerge at the top with a slightly elevated heart rate and one or two riders with light perspiration.

Then onto the Vining Farm descent and again we note the mild inconvenience caused by large boulders, slippy rocks and overhanging branches. Faffer declares he loves his new bike.

Then we paddle through some very deep mud pushing the bikes, but the effort is not really more than an opportunity to catch up with your fellow riders. Then through Lodsworth and through the field of the beasts of burden and we enjoy the spray of mud as we plough through the field noting that many a (wo)man has paid very large sums of money to get this covered in mud - no wonder the SHABI’s have such clear complexions.

Up the other side and we realise that the DRM is not with us, so we chat a while and the RM starts to get a little techy about the time and a search party is organised with Algee volunteering. At that precise moment Chuff and C2C7 emerge and claim a “temporary mechanical” is the cause of the delay. What bollocks – they were talking shop and took the wrong turning. However, take comfort that our Law Enforcement Operatives seem incapable of lying convincingly.

Then onto the Tillington World Cup Downhill freewheel face off course which Tonka won narrowly missing a gaggle of pedestrians staggering out of the pub.

As RM, Smashie goes first until he gets a shrubbery in his rear end. He stops and Genghis blasts past. Genghis is now “in the lead” but the pressure soon tells and he face plants into a rock. Genghis has never been a man to fall off in a graceful or manly way. It’s face first into the ground with his arse in the air his legs apart. Actually, quite a hard hit, but he could walk and talk afterwards, so no long-term damage done.

The RM is now getting really twitchy about the time and Dobby requests clarification on rule 49 section B3 part a – if the RM through incompetence aforethought, gets the peleton back late and misses the food, the RM has to buy everyone a meal.

The DRM orders the RM to “get back and get the food organised” and the DRM will pick up the pieces. So Smashie sets a furious pace back to the vehicles waiting for no-one. Thus it takes a good 15 minutes for the SHABI’s to all return by which time Smashie has ordered the table and the drinks.

So into the Italian and Faffer has his knickname confirmed when he is the last to finish his meal. It is also decided that Algee shall from henceforth be named LOVE BUS.

Anecdote – from a previous Blog you will recall Daisy had a romantic moment and picked sunflower for his wife and I promised to reveal if this romantic gesture was in anyway successful. When confronted with the question as to “how did it go then?” our Daisy was not forthcoming at all but said the three piece would never be the same again.

A NEW FEATURE from our resident bike expert BINKY BYKEKNUT

In this feature, Binky will fearlessly tackle any personal or technical issues you might have (these can be submitted via the SHABI Whatsapp)

Dear Binky,

I have a really shit nickname – what can I do to get it changed?

Yours D of Emsworth

Address withheld

Dear D,

Well its much easier than you think. Take Daisy (formerly Ebenezer Scrooge). He bought a pair of shorts for £5.00 and stuffed £4.95 up his arse leaving so much flesh on display we were reminded of Daisy Duke – here’s a picture

Hope this helps

Binky

Dear Binky,

I have a new Bird (bike) how should I protect the shiny new paintwork and how do I tell when the chain is worn out?

Yours Faffer

Dear Faffer,

Great choice of bike. Suggest you go for Bike Shield which is available in matt or gloss. The long tubes on the Bird means you might have to get two packs. Not cheap but long lasting and looks great. Take your time applying it and keep your fingers off the sticky bits. Have it on my Bird TR100 and its as good as new after 3 years hard riding. Follow this link and then compare prices.

Checking your chain is a good idea. First clean using Mucoff and a chain cleaning machine like the mucoff X3. Then twist the chain and see if it “grinds” – if it does – clean it off again. Then use the Pedros chain checker. Suggest he Park tools wear gauge is US – you need three points of contact to measure accurately.

Keeping your chain clean and making sure you replace it will save you a fortune in worn gears. With the current riding in the wet/mud/sand failure to discard a worn chain will result in a worn-out rear block and front cog

Hope this helps

Binky

Scores on the Doors@

I love you all

Smashie x