15th September 2020 – the Fox Runs up yer trouser leg

Dearest SHABI’s


After an extensive and exhaustive recruitment exercise involving the best “Executive” Headhunting Agencies in the land, The SHABI Executive Compliance sub–committee are pleased to announce the appointment of SLUMPY as the Health and Safety Officer to assist the Sussex and Hampshire Association of Biking Idiots in all matters Health and Safety.

“The SHABI’s welcome the huge experience SLUMPY brings to the role having previous roles as a Health and Safety Chief Executive for the Chiles Window Cleaning and Fencing Company (Window cleaner to the Stars) based in Liphook. With qualifications up the ying yang including; GSC ‘O’ levels in cooking and midwifery, and other letters after his name including; DiPSO, JCB, Baa, you know we have the best of the best …. and you can quote me” said Smashie - Temporary Stand-in Chairman of the Accessories and totally unnecessary bike enhancements sub-committee.

So if you have any Health and Safety concerns please approach Slumpy for a confidential chat and if he is otherwise engaged – speak to his carer.

Available for H+S advice at a moments notice

So on with the ride but first sad news. Many of us have grown used to Faff Cheeks omnipresence. Usually arriving 24 hrs before the ride starts to ensure he has everything “just right”, he was missing from this week’s ride. Captain Frackbladder Bah says that an unattributed source suggests he has an “small infection”. Immediately Strangely Brown (previously known as Syphilis Mike) came out in sympathy as clearly a “little infection” is more common that you would have thought. Little is known about Faff’s private life but clearly he should be more careful in these troubling times. All the SHABI’s wish him a speedy recovery.

Also absent was Tarmac St John who was attending the annual Travelling Community Tarmaccadam Drives and Pathways Association Gala prize giving ceremony. First prize is a Caterpillar Scraper that has become “surplus” to requirements on the HS2 project. TSJ thinks he is in with a shout and would use the 35 tonne scraper as a runabout for local errands.

TSJ is denying any involvement in the new Cycle pathway making Petersfield a safer place to cycle:

Slumpy was unavailable for comment

So a Covid compliant SIX riders were ready to ride including; Smashie RM, Slumpy and his carer Tonka, Big Ring, Strangely Brown, Dobbie (DRM), Captain Frackbladder Bah, Genghis and finally LBD who arrived in the Love Bus.

Genghis had requested a “tough ride so hard it makes you want to cry” so Smashie acting as RM, leads the Peleton straight up the nearest hill setting a cracking pace. However, where the RM might lead, the SHABI Peleton has other ideas and does just what the hell it likes. So we bimble along chatting away on such diverse subjects as; small infections and how best to treat them, Health and Safety in the sitting room scenario, beer, blah blah blah.

We head roughly over towards the oil rig re-tracing the route taken by Smashie and Big Ring on the Baby to Bognor ride – happy memories. BTW – what ever happened to Baby? – is she in care or in a foster home? We should be told.

Big Ring to CFB "Where are Your Brakes?"