15th September 2020 – the Fox Runs up yer trouser leg
Press release - IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
After an extensive and exhaustive recruitment exercise involving the best “Executive” Headhunting Agencies in the land, The SHABI Executive Compliance sub–committee are pleased to announce the appointment of SLUMPY as the Health and Safety Officer to assist the Sussex and Hampshire Association of Biking Idiots in all matters Health and Safety.
“The SHABI’s welcome the huge experience SLUMPY brings to the role having previous roles as a Health and Safety Chief Executive for the Chiles Window Cleaning and Fencing Company (Window cleaner to the Stars) based in Liphook. With qualifications up the ying yang including; GSC ‘O’ levels in cooking and midwifery, and other letters after his name including; DiPSO, JCB, Baa, you know we have the best of the best …. and you can quote me” said Smashie - Temporary Stand-in Chairman of the Accessories and totally unnecessary bike enhancements sub-committee.
So if you have any Health and Safety concerns please approach Slumpy for a confidential chat and if he is otherwise engaged – speak to his carer.
So on with the ride but first sad news. Many of us have grown used to Faff Cheeks omnipresence. Usually arriving 24 hrs before the ride starts to ensure he has everything “just right”, he was missing from this week’s ride. Captain Frackbladder Bah says that an unattributed source suggests he has an “small infection”. Immediately Strangely Brown (previously known as Syphilis Mike) came out in sympathy as clearly a “little infection” is more common that you would have thought. Little is known about Faff’s private life but clearly he should be more careful in these troubling times. All the SHABI’s wish him a speedy recovery.
Also absent was Tarmac St John who was attending the annual Travelling Community Tarmaccadam Drives and Pathways Association Gala prize giving ceremony. First prize is a Caterpillar Scraper that has become “surplus” to requirements on the HS2 project. TSJ thinks he is in with a shout and would use the 35 tonne scraper as a runabout for local errands.
TSJ is denying any involvement in the new Cycle pathway making Petersfield a safer place to cycle:
So a Covid compliant SIX riders were ready to ride including; Smashie RM, Slumpy and his carer Tonka, Big Ring, Strangely Brown, Dobbie (DRM), Captain Frackbladder Bah, Genghis and finally LBD who arrived in the Love Bus.
Genghis had requested a “tough ride so hard it makes you want to cry” so Smashie acting as RM, leads the Peleton straight up the nearest hill setting a cracking pace. However, where the RM might lead, the SHABI Peleton has other ideas and does just what the hell it likes. So we bimble along chatting away on such diverse subjects as; small infections and how best to treat them, Health and Safety in the sitting room scenario, beer, blah blah blah.
We head roughly over towards the oil rig re-tracing the route taken by Smashie and Big Ring on the Baby to Bognor ride – happy memories. BTW – what ever happened to Baby? – is she in care or in a foster home? We should be told.
Then a bit more up and down and more up. We stop for a breather and Big Ring tells us he is a bit “sweaty” – not a nice thought really. In fairness it is very hot and humid so he can be forgiven … just this once.
Onto the south downs way and we stop at the top of the “Long and Dangerous Downhill”. The RM warns everyone not to get lost and sets off at a blistering pace leaving the SHABI’s confused and bewildered in his wake. Fear not dear Reader, the SHABI’s excel themselves and we all enjoy a terrific bit of downhill that goes on and on for ever. Amen to that.
So then an bit more bimbling along and we offer assistance to a lovely lady in distress who is looking for her Ginger cat. Big Ring mishears and thinks she is looking for her lost husband and offers to stand-in on his behalf. Luckily before it gets out of hand, the Health Safety Officer steps in and calms Big Ring down explaining that a Ginger cat is a feline creature with four legs and a tail. Cynics have been proved wrong – the Health and Safety Officer has, despite being new to the job, already saved one of our riders from almost certain arrest and imprisonment.
Then up the Trundle. Oh my goodness what a climb that is. Tonka again claims the “mountain Goat” award with Smashie a very distant second. We pass the dogging car park just as the local Goodwood Estate security teams were clearing them out. How unfriendly is that? You go along to give some stranger a blow job and look what happens. Some bloke comes along with his orange lights flashing and wants to join in?
So up to the top of the Trundle for a photo opportunity and then down to the race course. Time is running short so the RM calls Hammer Time and we speed along in the woods parallel to the race course. We regroup and head down the final descent. LBD disturbs a dear (of the four legged variety) who runs along beside us before leaping over an impossibly high fence. Lovely to ride alongside such a graceful animal…and a Dear – ho ho.
Then into the Fox runs up yer Trouser leg and two tables are next to each other with a flimsy plastic screen giving Covid compliance a new level of sophistication. In loving memory of our Dear Sir Fallalot many order the Fish Pie which was delicious.
Overall a very merry ride despite much weeping during the up sections in nearly perfect conditions.
I love you all
Scores on the doors