16 Nov, Tilford, (12,14)

Hitlers Bunker and the Atlantic wall – in reversy percyThe King Edward Sanitorium and the decent of certain death

Dearest SHABI’s

It was decided, after consultation with our Healthy Eating and Diet Committee represented by Lecky Lee, that the Duke of Cambridge was the best pub to circumnavigate the Thursley Common region.

MIRACLE. So it was by sheer chance that 12 SHABI’s alighted from their vehicles in the car park including; Chuff, TsJ, Dobbs, Slumpy and his carer Tonka, Slash, Strangely, Faff, LBD, Lootenant Dan, Captn Frackbladder and Smashie as RM.

Faff managed to blag us a table for 12 and we readied for departure. Tonka was observed wondering around the carpark looking for his new glasses and complaining he couldn’t find them. With his glasses costing £783.39 plus VAT we feel his pain.

However, before we get into the ride lets talk about the riders, and this week’s in depth profile is new boy Lootenant Dan. Born in 1903 to Mr and Mrs Dan in Swindon, it was fervently hoped that young Dan would continue the family business in goat breeding. In fact, Mrs Dan was world famous for her work with the goat community and could pick a goat up by its nethers and throw it 867.8 ft without injury to the goat (or anyone else!) – a world record that has stood unbeaten for 107 years.

However, goats are not very obedient and Dan Junior’s early years were tormented by frequent disciplinary “run ins” with the head goat “Billy Goat Gruffalo”. It turned out that “Billy”, as he was known, was a dealer and so Dan left home to find his fortune elsewhere with a view of doing anything but goats.

First, he tried electronic warfare and worked on the Royal Air Force’s fleet of Tornado and Buccaneer ground attack aircraft. This new career path did not end well as he accidentally wired up a Tornado so that when the pilot hit the “afterburn and get the fuck out of here” button, the aircraft instead released a precision munition straight into the RAF canteen and in the process killed the Squadron mascot which by unhappy coincidence, happened to be a goat.

Lootenant Dan brought inovation, future thinking and duct tape to work

To avoid a lengthy jail term our hero claimed he was possessed by demons and was discharged straight into the Central London Law Enforcement Operatives – SPG division. It was felt that with our Hero’s love of animals, the best place to put him was into a unit dealing in a front line “Client” facing role and the SPG was exactly right. If you didn’t already know, SPG stands for Special Protection for Guineapigs.

So, our hero was soon on the front-line finding Guinea pigs that had become “involuntarily displaced” in the residential family house scenario. The unit was led by Tonka’s soon to be boss “The Guvnor”, and their methods were highly successful albeit a tad controversial. On receiving a call-out from the mother of a distressed 5-year girl that had just lost “Brian” the Guineapig, it was the route one entry procedure and take the front door off the hinges with a battering ram. Then in with the tear gas grenade, maybe two grenades if they looked like a upper middle class elite family to make absolutely sure (hell - they pay taxes, so got to demonstrate value for money).

Then storm around the house in hobnailed boots and smash up the furniture to ensure “Brian” is not in “hiding”. Any other pets or grannies are automatically removed from the investigation with a swift tazer in the head. Invariably these tactics proved wildly successful, so much so, that after a few rescue missions absolutely no-one called for Police assistance with a missing Guinea Pig. So the SPG - Special Protection for Guineapigs (London and home counties) unit was disbanded and the highly skilled officers dispersed to other forces. Lootenant Dan is now working in the community with Owls. He doesn’t talk about it much, and suggest other riders don’t mention; Goats, Guinea Pigs or Owls in his presence.