Dear Shabi’s

25th February 2020 - the grumpy Landlord is no more

First some earth-shattering news:

The Grumpy Landlord has retired and the new publicans can actually smile and are welcoming – this caused some consternation when we came in to pre-order and there was dark muttering in the ranks.

Secondly you may recall from a previous Biography about Faff Cheeks that he is a man who likes order, and everything should have its place. Consequently, he has done some in depth reverse trend standard deviation analysis of the state of the SHABI rider and bicycle fleet and advises that all bikes/riders will be classed as either:

1. Fully fit (think new bike standards)

2. Limited role (think new bike after being ridden 3 times)

3. Non taskworthy, (think dobbie's bike)

4. Not in use (think Genghis when there's an 'air moisture content' >="The Sahara")

He goes on to state that this classification is not really a definition of “readiness” but more “vehicle condition”. Apparently “readiness” is defined as having nine levels R1-10 and the number represents the number of days before the kit is fully fit again.

Confused – well YES! So let’s give some examples:

1. Slumpy is currently Not in use R8 – ie he can’t ride because he has the flu and it will be at least 8 days before he recovers.

2. Genghis is a Limited role R2 as this was his first ride in 2020 and he is at least two days behind everyone else

This fascinating game of categorisation could go on forever but I would need to kill myself first, so lets get on with the ride.

After the shocking revelation about the Grumpy Landlord there was another life changing event that means “it will never be the same again…ever!”

BIG RING HAS A NEW BIKE. OMG WTF!!!!

In celebration of this momentous event we formed an honour guard of SHABI’s and Big ring rode past to a shower of confetti to break the “ribbon of fame”. Even Her Majesty was there to officiate the first ride of Big Ring’s new WHYTE 29er bike.

Big Ring was as proud as punch and was revelling in the new functionality of the bike; gears that worked, brakes, saddle, handlebars and a dropper post. Don’t worry he’s keeping the old one “just in case”.

So, it was Slasher Giles, Tonka (oh he misses being a carer), Genghis, Daring Daisy, LBD, Strangely Brown, Faff Cheeks, Smashie (RM) and of course our Biggus Ringus who gathered ready for the off.

A bit of road to start with and all was well. A right-hand turn and a steep incline to get everyone warm – it was going swimmingly!

Then it all went tits in the space of a few feet. The RM led the unwary Peleton straight through a ploughed field – there was pain and there was agony, but no-one wanted to spoil Big Rings first ride as his new bike was splattered from stem to stern in mud.

Then along a ridge and OMG that wind was biting and cold, but no-one noticed as most were just trying to stay upright. We tootle down to the green lane and proceed westwards. There was much comedy riding but no falls even on the slippy chalk.

Now into upper body strength mode and we have to lift our bikes over the gates …twice… before we get to the long “false flat” up to West Harting down. It started well and all were able to control the bikes and make progress ….. but not for long. The mud became deeper and slippier, and the ruts deeper and narrower. Progress became painfully slow – the wheels were turning but the bikes weren’t moving.

Finally, the RM calls a “breather” and whilst we wait for the stragglers to catchup we realise that Strangely Brown has gone from “Fully fit” to “Limited Role” – yes he was pushing his bike with the chain broken two places.

Immediately the SHABI Peleton gather round and after about 15 minutes we had the bike fixed with two quick links. What an awful job it was fixing that chain in the mud.

With time now running short and the remaining route in unknown condition, the RM decided that we should retreat to the pub. This was achieved without further mishap but the final bit on the road splattered the riders with mud – no-one was left unscathed.

Into the pub for food and Daring Daisy and Genghis made like old Grandpa’s warming themselves by the fire in the “Grandpa Chairs” (ie care in the community incontinence safe chairs).

The rest of us scoffed our food which was average in quality and quantity.

Hero points for SB for providing the confetti.

BINKY BYKEKNUT – A Cycling legend answers your questions

In this feature, Binky will fearlessly tackle any personal or technical issues you might have (these can be submitted via the SHABI Whatsapp group)

Dear Binky,

I have a really personal problem and I am so embarrassed to ask but your confidential practical advice to other readers has inspired me to write in.

I have traded on my good looks all my life but now with the passage of time my complexion looks and feels like sandpaper.

I find it is influencing my whole life and I have found myself compensating by spending money on a new expensive bike –

I feel so ashamed that my appearance can be so important to me but no-one else really cares or notices.

What do you recommend?

Yours BR of Liphook

Dear Big Ring,

A heartfelt cry for help. You won’t be surprised to know most real men feel the way you do. The chronic feeling of being left “on the shelf” can be very depressing.

Some say that beauty is not skin deep, but frankly that is bollocks. It is always important to keep your skin soft and looking young and who cares if you are a bit of an “air head” underneath. Appearance is everything but there is hope, as I can testify. People just stare at my good looks and don’t notice that all I can talk about is the inside of a ping pong ball.

For years I have used a rigorous skin care regime with two simple steps as follows:

1. Invest in bubble bath – the only one for me is this. Suggest you go for 1:2 dilution in the bath and add a dash of Domestos for that fresh “I’ve just had a massive orgasm” look as seen in the fashion magazines.

2. Next invest in an Eco Pouf – no that’s not an effeminate environmentalist person from Scotland – its one of these. A vigorous scrub and everyone’s a winner. Especially vigorous application in the nethers is a grand idea but it may make your eyes water a tad.

As you can tell this simple two stage process has transformed my appearance and people regularly remark positively on my appearance. Let me know how you get on.

Hope this helps

Binky

Scores on the Doors

I Love you all

Smashie X