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  • Writer's pictureLBD

28 Feb, Red Lion Chalton

Dear Shaggers,

Firstly an apology. Whilst attending a Cock rence in a former Soviet Republic last week on; ‘Paving Driveways for Tsars and Fascist Dick potatoes’ I experienced some problems with my hard drive ~ moan.

Tarmac's tour guide in Kyrgyzstan:

It's a mystery why Tarmac keeps vising Kyrgyzstan so frequently - as the road was completed in 2014...

Whist enjoying an interval in proceedings my mind switched to my on-going obligation to the Shaggers which is to produce a true and accurate account of my recently delivered ride ~ moan on the 28th February from the Red Loin Cloth in Chalton.

To help expedite the task I reflected back to a recently delivered blog by our glorious leader ‘Vladimir Smash it up’ which introduced a perky bot which did all the hard ~ moan work for me. I therefore downloaded KinkyChat A&E™ as previously recommended by ‘Vladimir Smash it up’ to deliver blogs and somehow my hard drive ~ moan has taken on a mind of its own and infiltrated my eloquent prose with sex ~ grind innuendos and other unwanted additions.


To the ride ~ moan

Young TSJ Scoping the next ride at the Red Lion, Chalton:

Young TSJ explaining the concept of roundabouts to a couple of fascinated locals, outside the Red Lion...

Seven Shaggers had 'arrived early' on the Loin Cloth pubic house as follows:

Tosser – RM


Mistress Doyle – DRM

Comfort Break

Tonya Will Cock ~ it’s a mystery

Big Boy Sweaty Ring

Vladimir Smash it up

The ride ~ moan started at 18.32. I’m not one to point fingers but STD and ‘Vladimir Smash it up’ were late arrivals in their 45 ton, 3 person T-90 (ask Faff), so our special military operation, sorry invasion was behind schedule.

The start of the ride featured a grind ~ ooh matron up a chalky slope, this was then followed by a cheeky downhill and then on to a section of Tosser. The Tosser prematurely ended and then more grind ~ ooh matron up a steady hill. After a short menstrual cycle a problem befell Tosser and the Shaggers stopped to get their breath back as the impromptu object which Tosser had inserted in the wrong orifice of Scott was promptly removed. Thank goodness Scott was well lubricated otherwise matters would have been hmmm, difficult.

KinkyChat has been set to 'Carry-On' Mode for this BLOG

The first wildlife of the evening was shortly spotted. It was of the bird variety, I thought Owl, STD, a lecher at a nearby school, and therefore a fountain of knowledge, informed it was a Brown Owl. I remember Brown Owl from Cubs and I struggled to see the resemblance, but I’m not a lecher, just a minor tosser, so enough said.

Owl meme

It was soon time for the first comfort break of the evening. All took part, including comfort break. No Shaggers chose to receive a comfort break.

Down to Compton, past the Coach and Whore-ss, and off road again. Only the previous weekend Tosser met our illustrious and missed colleague, Dobbie, at this location. For those of you who have forgotten about Dobbie, he is the one with the electric tool which causes him anxiety on how far he can drive ~ moan.

TSJ taking an early comfort break in the Coach and Horses, Compton

Compton continued to Harting Down. Named down but best described as up. Its important to be in the right gear, Alt + F9 * nurses outfit, fireman, secretary, Chelsea football kit, *error*: , when tackling the ups.

A great view beheld us as we mounted Harting Down across to Birmingham and other countries which were a legitimate part of the former Soviet Union. No time to dwell though, this was a special military operation and we still had the South Downs Way to rescue from tyranny.

TSJ carries a handy stick on most rides, just in case

At last we turned off the South Downs and the Shaggers got to go down. Every Shagger loves to get down and this evening was no exception. The Shaggers rubber was their enemy here. The wrong type of rubber resulted in a loss of feeling and a premature ejaculation.

Mistress Doyle suffered this embarrassing condition as she/him/her/they, left their mount before finishing the job. With excuses made and promises of better performance next time we were off again.

Some of the mud that made Mrs Doyle it's first victim

With the loose stuff behind us we entered the tosser again for the final onslaught. All we had to do to finish our special operation was to ‘go over the top’. What was this though, what sort of tosser would put a 25% gradient at the end of our ride ~ moan, none other than our very own Tosser. ‘Vladimir Smash it up’ made his feelings of displeasure known and Tosser and Siberia was heard under the same breath.

Into the Loins to dampen our spirit. Pies of military grade proportion and Liver from contentious objectors was enjoyed.

Distance – 14 miles

Tee shirts all round

No meal for Mistress Doyle or Big Boy Sweaty Ring.

Cheers SHABIs!

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