Dear Shabi’s

3rd December 2019

It was bloody freezing in the Midhurst car park and the drug dealers were plying their trade as usual in the corner by the recycling bins. No need for the SHABi’s to partake – we were all stoked up on EPO, steroids and Annusol.

So it was Smashie as RM, with Corporal Chuff, Captn Frackbladder, Slumpers, LBD, FaffCheeks and Big Ring making a brave seven riders who blasted along Midhurst High Street only to discover that the faster you travel, the colder it gets.

However, in these times of Climate Emergency the genius that is LBD has fitted his bike with a Global Warming monitoring device strapped on with tie wraps and a duster. The good citizens of Midhurst were dumbstruck and many pointed to LBD as he went past nudging their kids and saying “there you go, we may have flicked the planet but LOOK, that man will save us all with his Global Warming monitor thingy strapped to his crossbar with tie wraps and a duster”. President Trump sent a message of congratulation.

We plunge into the woods and cross over to Iping Common and traverse the descent of shallowness and then on towards the fields of slightly undulating and a bit damp under tyre where horses have ridden. As you can imagine from this understatement, the going was horrific with maximum power output delivering only the most halting and slow progress. Everyone is on the limit.

Then a short road section for everyone to recover ….. a little. Few riders noticed the looming dark shape of the south downs escarpment but they certainly noticed it when the climb started. ½ a mile of incredibly steep climbing over slippy green chalk and mud. Smashie reaches the top first and has to lean against a gate to recover. Most riders, on reaching the top, spoke in a strange Anglo-Saxon tongue which sounded like “Flucking hell the RM is a clunt”. It was bad

Then along the SDW and then a left down to Cocking. The mud was so bad we had to pedal downhill. The tractors had left huge deep tracks to the left and right of a central “pathway” which is where you had to ride if you didn’t want to sink up to you neck in mud.

Faff cheeks had a “moment” but due to his immense dexterity manged to prevent catastrophe. It looked like this….I am told.

Then along another “road” which was so muddy grip was at a premium and the bikes got to sound like a coffee grinding machine with gravel inside instead of coffee beans.

Past Heyshott and the RM has a bit of brain fade so a retreat was called and then back into Midhurst common.

Classic Shabby Retreat

Time was short and so the RM put the Hammer down and there was suffering everywhere.

Back to the Italian for 21:00 hrs and thankfully food was still on offer.

BINKY BYKEKNUT

A Cycling legend answers your questions

In this feature, Binky will fearlessly tackle any personal or technical issues you might have

(these can be submitted via the SHABI Whatsapp group)

As an early Christmas treat, Binky shares his latest video here that he made when he popped over to Paris for some Croissants:

Dear Binky,

How do I clean my bike like Paul Garner?

Yours FC of Farnham

Dear FC,

Short answer - you can't - longer answer:

A number of options here, but sadly unless you are a teacher (at a posh private girls school) you will not be able to use the innovative techniques pioneered by Paul.

Basically, Paul puts his bike in the car after the ride and takes it the following morning uncleaned to the posh private girls school he works in. Then it's simple – if the girls want good grades – the bike (and car) have to be spotless. (IF ONLY! (LBD))

For us mortals the muc-off system seems pretty good and I recommend a chain cleaning device (the muc-off version is quite good) BUT muc-off is expensive and I am using a lot of it at the moment – basically any Traffic film remover will do obtained from a Car accessory wholesaler. Whatever you use, make sure you avoid “jet washing” the bike – a gentle sprinkle as per a watering can is what you need – a jet wash will strip the grease out of your bearings and replace it with water and grit. Not good.

Hope this helps

Binky

Dear Binky,

Our bike club is called the “Sussex and Hampshire Associated of biking Idiots – SHABI’s for short. This club has a system of “route masters” to guide each ride. The role of RM rotates to a different person each week. There is one such RM who is a complete sadist. He makes me go up steep hills and through deep mud and my bike gets dirty.

How do I let this person know he is a complete wanker without offending him?

Yours faithfully

BR of Liss

Dear BR,

I feel your pain – it’s a tricky situation.

I suggest that you are probably past a diplomatic solution so just come right out and say it to his face. Do it publicly at the top of your voice so everyone can hear. If it looks like he is going to punch you – run away.

Remember everyone else is probably thinking the same thing and will thank you for having the courage to stand up to such a bully.

Hope this helps

Binky

Scores on the doors….

I Love you all

Smashie X