3 Dec, Midhurst, (7,15)

Dear Shabi’s

3rd December 2019

It was bloody freezing in the Midhurst car park and the drug dealers were plying their trade as usual in the corner by the recycling bins. No need for the SHABi’s to partake – we were all stoked up on EPO, steroids and Annusol.

So it was Smashie as RM, with Corporal Chuff, Captn Frackbladder, Slumpers, LBD, FaffCheeks and Big Ring making a brave seven riders who blasted along Midhurst High Street only to discover that the faster you travel, the colder it gets.

However, in these times of Climate Emergency the genius that is LBD has fitted his bike with a Global Warming monitoring device strapped on with tie wraps and a duster. The good citizens of Midhurst were dumbstruck and many pointed to LBD as he went past nudging their kids and saying “there you go, we may have flicked the planet but LOOK, that man will save us all with his Global Warming monitor thingy strapped to his crossbar with tie wraps and a duster”. President Trump sent a message of congratulation.

Available in all good Tesco stores

We plunge into the woods and cross over to Iping Common and traverse the descent of shallowness and then on towards the fields of slightly undulating and a bit damp under tyre where horses have ridden. As you can imagine from this understatement, the going was horrific with maximum power output delivering only the most halting and slow progress. Everyone is on the limit.

Then a short road section for everyone to recover ….. a little. Few riders noticed the looming dark shape of the south downs escarpment but they certainly noticed it when the climb started. ½ a mile of incredibly steep climbing over slippy green chalk and mud. Smashie reaches the top first and has to lean against a gate to recover. Most riders, on reaching the top, spoke in a strange Anglo-Saxon tongue which sounded like “Flucking hell the RM is a clunt”. It was bad

Then along the SDW and then a left down to Cocking. The mud was so bad we had to pedal downhill. The tractors had left huge deep tracks to the left and right of a central “pathway” which is where you had to ride if you didn’t want to sink up to you neck in mud.

Faff cheeks had a “moment” but due to his immense dexterity manged to prevent catastrophe. It looked like this….I am told.

Then along another “road” which was so muddy grip was at a premium and the bikes got to sound like a coffee grinding machine with gravel inside instead of coffee beans.

Past Heyshott and the RM has a bit of brain fade so a retreat was called and then back into Midhurst common.

Classic Shabby Retreat