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3 Sept – Five Bells – Buriton (11,9)

Ming doesn’t do Blogs – so its Smashie writing a fully detailed, and truthful, account of what really happened.

It was Ming the Merciless who volunteered to take the SHABI’s to the places where time forgot in the Queen Elizabeth Country park. His nickname is still the same after nearly 10 years of riding with the SHABI’s and there is a reason …. “Mercy” is not part of his DNA, and whilst the “old hands” knew what to expect ..the “newbies” were in for a shock.

So it was; Chuffy, Slumpy, Tonka, Smashie, Daisy, Big Ring, Algee, Fracker, Genghis and Michael D with of course the Merciless one as RM.


But before we get into the ride let’s talk about the riders, and this week’s in-depth interview is with Genghis or Genghis Bin Laden Boris Gaylord Bateman Kahn to give him his full name. Born in 1162 to Mr and Mrs Kahn they had no idea that their well-behaved son who excelled at flower arranging at the local nursery would grow up as the scourge of Europe. Indeed, when Mrs Kahn was interviewed by The Sun newspaper, she described him as a “lovely boy who put flowers on his grandmother’s grave - pity he set fire to her in the first place, but you can’t have everything”.

So, by the time our Genghis had reached the age of seven he had set the course for his future having set fire to his Granny, killed and maimed a number of his best friends and dispatched anybody in “authority” sent to bring him under control. He established his army aged 11 and quickly unified the various disparate tribes that ruled Brighton at the time.

So how did this mild-mannered mass murderer from humble origins conquer all of Europe and establish the Mongol Empire which was only eclipsed by the British many centuries later? It all started with a “cross channel booze cruise” with “some mates” (all heavily tooled up it must be said) and when they were refused entry to the local Migros it all kicked off. Genghis quickly defeated the Romans, the Huns, the Spartans, the Girl Guides, the nuns of Lourdes and the Bolsheviks. His victories were often associated with excessive cruelty but this is unfair to our Genghis. When he cut off the genitals and impaled his enemies it was an “act of mercy” and it certainly discouraged his surviving enemies from “having another go”. His treatment of women also has come under scrutiny but further investigation has revealed that our Genghis was in fact very respectful towards all women and his battle cry of “surrender or I’ll shag your mother, your wife and your dog” was a myth put about by his enemies wishing to discredit our hero.

So how did the most successful mass murderer of our time become a General Practice Chartered Surveyor living in Rogate with a wife and family plus dog and Guinea Pig (deceased)? This is where the real controversy starts. Genghis blames the European Union. It all started so innocently when the Eurocrats asked if they could be given a bit of notice before Genghis came along and started raping and pillaging so the locals could “prepare”, by that I mean run away. But before you knew it the Eurocrats started to set down some silly rules such as “no raping and pillaging” on a Sunday – remember the “keep Sunday special” campaign – yep you can blame the Eurocrats. Before long the Eurocrats had established law and order and with it lots of trying and annoying rules – then the final straw – the Eurocrats outlawed “killing just for the fun of it” and at this point Genghis decided enough was enough and went back to University and qualified as a Surveyor.

So there you have it – a condensed history of how Genghis Bin Laden Boris Gaylord Bateman Kahn turned from the fun loving mass murderer of the largest empire the world has ever known, to a man who won’t go out on his bike in the rain, or the sun, or the wind, or when he has a headache. It puts the current controversy over Europe in its full context.


So now onto the ride

In keeping with his reputation our Ming went straight up hill to the car park at base camp 1. Then onto the foot of intermediate camp 2 (start of the blue run climbing section) and then onto the summit camp via the Blue route climbing trail. Oxygen depletion was a problem for all normal riders (Ming doesn’t breath oxygen – only Carbon Monoxide).

So once at the Summit our Ming gives us a briefing, setting out routes 1 to 4 into the land that time forgot; with 2 being “easy peasy” and 4 being “a bit tricky in places”. Advice offered included an exhortation to “commit” to the corners and everything would be fine.

So how hard can it be?

Well actually ….. flucking terrifying.

Ming is first into the “easy peasy” and Chuff follows with Smashie leading the remaining peleton down the hill. The trail goes from flat..ish to nearly vertically downwards. Smashie loses it on the first corner and wipes out tumbling down the bank for short while. The Peleton watch on, and usually this is a source of merriment for all, but realising they get to go next, most were thinking “I want my mummy”. So Smashie picks himself up and remounts and progresses to the bottom furious with himself for falling off and joins Chuffy and Ming at the bottom. The last section is a drop onto the fire road and I mean a drop. Some riders felt it was safer to walk but actually, walking was even harder that riding.

So we then climb back up to the top – there was no mercy.

So next we try out “a bit tricky in places” and this was even steeper. Smashie passes Chuffy who is suffering from vertigo and then wipes out again. Newbie Michael then gets distracted and nearly hits a tree before also wiping gout. It was so steep that when you fell off …you just kept going ..downwards. Meanwhile the remainder of the Peleton where having a torrid time. Algee’s bike had developed squeaky brakes and his progress could be monitored based on the noise. Many had falls including Slumpy, Algee, Fracker, Genghis and Michael. At the final drop off there were two choices; left was good and right was very bad (I could have that reversed; it depends on where you were standing). In front of the entire Peleton, Big Ring takes the “wrong” route and how he did not manage to plant his face into the chalk at great speed I don’t know.

So then we climb back up to the top again – this time its humiliation. A family including; Dad, Teenage son, 8-year daughter and 4-year-old son overtake the SHABI’s on the way up. Admittedly the 4-year-old was on an electric motorbike but the girl was pushing Dad along. We will avoid them in future.

Now we run the official QE blue run and its great great fun. Dry and dusty but a great route.

Now out of energy we head for the pub and a well-deserved rest.

A great RM from Ming and I can recommend the trails that time forgot. Its good to “test” yourself from time to time. We all have much to learn

I love you all

Smashie X

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