Dear Shabis

Its been a while now since Smashie compiled a blog due to the enthusiastic response to the call for more RM volunteers. Let’s face it a great improvement over the usual suspects.

Nevertheless, the old dog that is Smashie volunteered again, and although many felt he would have been wise not to do so, he pitched in to lead the ride and most felt it would be cruel to say anything.

However, as we all know by now, before we talk about the ride, lets talk about the riders, and;

Be warned, you may get ‘triggered’ as the following piece although an accurate description, could be construed as racist if you are part of the liberal left elite living in North London or a University Student.

SB was born in 1723 as the result of a “liaison” between The Earl of Brown and his Chambermaid Miss Strangely. In those days everything was hushed up to avoid scandal so Miss Strangely was given a cottage on the Estate and the young Strangely Brown was given the privileged upbringing like any illegitimate love child of a senior member of the Aristocracy.

As a lad SB excelled in Tiddlywinks (going on to become European Champion twenty-three times in a row before an unfortunate injury during a “tiddle off” forced retirement).

Moving on, SB quickly found his metier in the fashion (chemical) industry and became the leading salesman for a cosmetics firm specialising in “the all over body tan experience”. However, our hero had an unfortunate industrial accident when he fell into a vat of stuff designed to make a “person of colour” even more a “person of colour”.

Thus, he came out of the A&E department the colour of the night. Using the generous compensation offered he has been trying to change his appearance ever since but the cost has been high. Constant washing in Sulphuric Acid and bleach has many unfortunate side effects. He was 6’ 9” and is now 5’ 3”. He used to have all his own teeth and hair but sadly no more.

Notwithstanding the many challenges SB has faced in life his current state of retirement has suited him well and he has started “banger racing” in his spare time. I think you will all agree a valued SHABI rider.

So now onto the ride and it was 8 riders who gathered in the carpark of the Fox and Pelican including; Smashie RM, Slumpy, his carer Tonka, Big Ring, Faff Cheeks, Strangely Brown, Chuffy and LBD.

First thing to note was that the rate of attrition suffered on the bikes;

1. Big Ring was on Tonka’s spare Whyte (I Know – WTF – Big Ring’s bike has broken!)

2. Chuff was on LBD’s spare Cannondale.

3. Smashie was on his summer bike – the winter bike was having the wheels rebuilt.

4. Slumpy’s rear block (the bit with the gears on the back wheel) had broken in half and was very wibbly wobbly. A bit like Slump’s brain really – in two parts and a bit wibbly wobbly.

Just waiting for 1 SHABI then we can go:

So we set off down hill for change, on tarmac, and Faff Cheeks is not happy – too much tarmac. So the RM obliges and leads the ride straight into deep mud. There is much whimpering and general complaining.

We reach the end and a tad more tarmac before we are into the deep mud along with a stream to ford. Faff Cheeks gets really angry and ploughs through the mud making a growling noise (both man and bike) but inevitably he is soundly beaten and has to walk.

Then everything improves as if by a miracle. The tracks become firm and dry and we enter a section of excellent single track with drop offs and so on. Then a short climb and those on unfamiliar bikes really suffer before another golden section of single-track – yipeee.

Then past “little Frencham Pond” and onto the trail of grindy wetty muddy sludge before we emerge and join a section of the Thursley ride. We pay respects to the spot where Sir Fallalot tried to rescue his damsel by throwing himself to the ground.

We continue onto Hankley Common and Smashie’s Bird is having gear trouble. However, with Slumpy setting an excellent example, he continues regardless of the damage to the gear train.

Then to the base of the Deveil’s Punchbowl and we note that the Descent of Certain Head Injury is now pretty tame – its been “improved”. Then up along the really old A3 and then a section of rocky slippy sandy stony grindy path to the Devils Punchbowl cycle track.

We are now running out of time so it’s a blast back to the pub. Generally the food was considered “average” but it was food, so it was eaten.

BINKY BYKEKNUT – A Cycling legend answers your questions

In this feature, Binky will fearlessly tackle any personal or technical issues you might

have (these can be submitted via the SHABI Whatsapp group)

Dear Binky,

I ride with a local group but they keep on cycling up hills and I get left behind. Should I start taking drugs?

Yours FC of Farnham

Dear FC,

Its always a tricky choice to make and I am glad you have brought this up. Everyone else is thinking the same as well. Its also not socially acceptable in some areas of our sport.

Although I have now developed a superbly toned athletic body (see above), I can honestly say that I could not have achieved it without my chemical friends. You should have seen what I looked like before – it wasn’t nice.

Suggest you start taking drugs immediately and don’t take any notice of the medical advice of taking one drug at a time – take them all at once, and ignore the dosage recommendations. Go for injections of EPO, steroids and vitamins.

Everyone will notice your new physique although you may not be able to sleep or string together a coherent sentence – it will all be worth it in the end.

Hope this helps

Binky

Dear Binky,

I often meet Doggers in the car park when out riding on a Tuesday night. What is the correct etiquette for greeting these people?

What do you recommend?

Yours faithfully

C of Liss – address supplied but withheld for obvious reasons

Dear C,

You may think these people are sad perverts who should be chemically castrated but I would advise against such a harsh judgement.

Under the Equality legislation they are perfectly legally allowed to conduct themselves in this way and this should be respected at all times.

Please be aware that these Doggers have a special code that is only understood by them so be warned. For instance, leaving the driver side window wound half way down means that the occupant is expecting a “hand job”. The window all the way down with the hazards on, means they have syphilis.

I recommend you avoid contact altogether just in case there is a misunderstanding and you contract a STD. Not easy to explain how that happened – believe me.

Hope this helps

Binky

Scores on the doors….

I Love you all

Smashie X