Dear Shabi’s

Blog for 4th June 2019 – The Valley of Death

This week’s ride was conscious for the absence of one of this year’s “mileage competition” contenders with Chuffy on duty in his mobile burger van on Southsea sea front, where he was “on call” to provide the Grump, HM the Queen and the PM with a personally prepared fast food snack at a moment’s notice. Clearly all is well as no-one has died which, all things considered, is a miracle. Pity the Pope wasn’t there as well.

So, continuing on from the last in-depth interview with Big Ring this week we will go into the meaning of time. It has been alleged that SHABI riders are not well versed in Philosophy so your blogger has painfully interviewed each of this week’s riders and so here you have it – the meaning of time according to:

1. Fracker – time is relative to where you are standing – if you can read the clock – you know what time it is – if you are too far away so you can’t read the clock – you don’t know what the time is (assuming you are not wearing a watch or have access to you phone ….blah blah)

2. Slumpy – time is upside down in New Zealand so to tell the time in the United Kingdom he stands on his head – this being quite tricky, he never knows what time it is.

3. Algy – Pay attention – when the big hand points upwards and the little hand points sideways -what time is it – exactly right Chuffy – its time to look at your digital watch

4. Tonka – Bing bank bosh blinkety bland – flurge – spluttner – I think the bump on the head has not worked well for our Tonka.

5. Dobby – Zeit ist Simmlos - dummkopf

6. Big Ring – I’m not telling

7. Daisy – Well if I were on my dredger in the local duck pond, I would be following maritime and if I were at sea, I would be following Greenwich time …. Blah blah – he did go on a bit at this point – my advice – avoid dredgers.

8. Smashie – Time is 6:30 on Tuesday

9. Genghis – I’ll kill anybody and everything at anytime of the day or night (quite a fierce chap is our Genghis)

10. Stuart new boy – No comment – so new that he’s not letting on if he knows the meaning of time.

So onto the ride with all of the above raring to go with Smashie as RM and Algy as DRM taking up the rear. First up was the climb to the top of Bexley hill. It’s a hill that keeps on giving and giving and many were strung out and a little breathless by the top. On we go and complete the Vining Farm descent at top speed. The gnarly channel in the middle of the path seems to have been bit flattened so not quite the usual white-knuckle ride we are used to.

The Cows Start to Approach:

Then over to Pooh sticks bridge and the Peleton is faced with a herd of very “frisky” bullocks. So, without Chuffy to restore law and order, Fracker commanded the bullocks to “STOP WHERE YOU ARE AND PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR”. The last part of the order caused confusion for long enough for all riders to sprint to the bottom of the hill and safety.

It was noted that Algee was first to the bottom.

When questioned as to the compatibility of being the DRM (to shepherd the back markers) and being first to escape danger, he claimed a conflict of interest and therefore was absolved of all blame for cowardice in the face of Bullocks. Luckily Slumpy was back marker and clearly the “frisky” bullocks thought better of tackling a man of his enormous reputation.

Then we head for the Tillington Freewheel face off World Championship Course and Fracker has a little lie down on the way (point for a fall).

The rules are explained to New boy Stuart and it is emphasised that “cheating” is not allowed although the penalty for transgressing the unwritten rules (cheating) is not known and therefore never applied. He smiles and clearly is a cheerful chap with a limited grasp of the reality of competitive Freewheeling SHABI style.

Tonka wins the freewheel face off by NOT cheating – well that’s just unfair and will be classed as cheating from now on.

Then the Tree Tunnel of Death and although we start alongside a male “runner” he never emerges at the end – another one bites the dust ….

Then onto the A34312 Haslemere to Cardiff trunk road and off again into the woods with no name. All good riding until Algy breaks a chain. He is fully equipped and a repair is affected in no time. Around the back of the polo fields and time is getting short and its getting dark so maximum speed in poor visibility.

We get to the restaurant just in time and a good meal it was too. All’s well that ends well.

Scores on the doors.

I LOVE YOU ALL

Smashie x