Lockdown 3 - update
Despite many of you keeping the SHABI traditions alive and posting your exploits on the SHABI Whatsapp group, many of the “old faithfuls” have gone “dark” so I thought it worthwhile letting you all know how everyone has been getting on in this frustrating time;
Faff Cheeks; has joined Smashie as temporary co-chairman of the Totally Unnecessary bike accessories and enhancements sub-committee. Its an arduous role and currently Faff and Smash are grappling with the complex issue of colour. Take for instance the jockey wheels on the rear mechanism, otherwise known as the “undercarriage”.
So important is this matter, that there are now two diverse schools of thought on the subject. Should the jockey wheels be black? (ie black Undercarriage Matters the acronym being BUM) or should they be coloured? (ie Coloured Undercarriage Matters the acronym being CUM). As you can appreciate this is a sensitive subject so until they have completed deliberations, no further statements will be forthcoming.
We all Look forward to riding with Faff Cheeks again soon:
Captian Frackbladder Bah;
Speaking of colour brings us onto a very longstanding rider of impeachable reputation. He is renowned for his use of colour in his day job, and his skilled use of colouring crayons have won his business many multi-million pounds MOD contracts – he’s that good!
As you may recall, he also has not one, but three, fantastic high spec bikes for use on SHABI rides; a black and white one, an Orange one and a green one. He is currently trying to determine if colour is a determining factor regarding “ride enjoyment” and is it related the probability of hitting a tree when descending a steep bank without the use of brakes? Its an in-depth study and he is not expecting to report preliminary findings until 2030.
Love Bus Driver;
Aas you may or may not know, LBD is married to a hard working NHS nurse and has a lovely daughter now of school age. So, whilst the family have been working hard for the NHS or at school, our LBD has been at home drinking beer, eating chips, slobbing out on the sofa watching daytime TV whilst pleasuring himself on the sofa leafing through the ladies underwear section of the B&Q catalogue. Furthermore, he has discovered internet “banking” and also finds that very pleasing. The end of lockdown can’t come soon enough for the LBD family.
Has been really suffering during lockdown 3 and is getting concerned that his swashbuckling , no-nonsense mass murdering image has taken a battering due to his oft observed failure to attend rides in the; sunshine, rain, calm, windy, muddy and dry conditions we sometimes encounter on a Tuesday night.
However, he is determined to prove the doubters wrong and now has a sophisticated weather prediction methodology in place as follows; observe the entrails of a suitable road kill wild animal; consult the wise woman by E-mail, see if the cows in the field next door are lying down east-west (sun) or north-south (windy) …. and fluck me there is much more – a total of 28 tests to determine weather conditions for a Tuesday night ride. With his new found confidence, our Genghis is certain he will triumph in this years mileage competition – watchout Tonka. Genghis is GO!
Our very own Health and Safety officer has been taking a break from his normal intensive work schedule as “window cleaner to the stars” to really get ahead on the latest trends in Health and Safety in the Mountain Biking Environment. There is a lot to study and our hero has really got stuck in. He is also studying the effects of colour, and can been seen trialling some “pink” baggy shorts when out with his faithful carer Tonka.
I understand that the colour pink gives extra ventilation in the Gentleman or Ladies undercracker area, and this results in a 10% (yes 10%!!!) less chance of hitting a stationary wheelie bin unless you are Chuffy. We can only hope this vital research can reach a conclusion before another Wheelie bin gets injured.
Trying to keep the Health and Safety officer from injuring himself. Pink baggy shorts are still not fully tested and mishaps can happen. Luckily Slumpy doesn’t want anymore kids so a higher risk profile has been adopted during testing.
Tonka can be seen scoping the ride ahead of Slumpy making sure that there aren't any unsuspecting Young Mum's or their kids around, who might get a glimpse of Slumpy's pink shorts and all they have to offer. Could Slumpy and Tonka be deployed as another tactic to keep the people of Liphook safe and indoors?
Chuffy and C2C7;
Both our regular Law Enforcement Operatives are under a lot of strain. Lets just take one small area of their vast new range of responsibilities under Lockdown; enforcing the wearing of masks.
So, in Lockdown 1; the approach was to encourage the offender to comply with a mixture of cajoling and “education” seeking a consensual and positive outcome.
Lockdown 2; the Chief Law Enforcement Operative instructed a more “proactive” approach and verbal abuse and public shaming/slapping was the name of the game.
Lockdown 3; tazer in the genitals. It’s a tough job, and we all wish them the strength to keep up the high standards we have all come to expect. Good luck chaps!
Tarmac St John;
Much drama in Acacia Avenue and the neighbours to Mr and Mrs Tarmac St John are in a bit of a state. Their pet cat Tiddles has gone missing and Mrs Petunia Trellis and her daughters Mercedes and Porscha are distraught. They live next to the Tarmac St John’s and have their suspicions. As you may recall from a previous blog, TSJ has recently acquired a new runabout in the form of a Caterpillar Grader complete with 3200 bhp twin intercoller turbo V8 with an extra noisy exhaust.
He uses it to run down to the shop and although its only a 5 minute walk he just likes to do it and take half an hour in the scraper.
Anyway it was 5:30am and all was quiet in Acacia Avenue and the council green recycling lorry with the rotating drum on the back to compost the green waste, was gently trundling along the street toward the Trellis’ house.
Meanwhile Tiddles was looking for somewhere warm to have a lie down and digest the many little birds recently caught, tortured and eaten slowly, and what could be better than the exhaust pipe of the 55 tonne scraper?
Now on a normal day TSJ likes to start the Caterpillar Grader complete with 3200 bhp twin intercooler turbo V8 early in the morning to “warm her up” for an hour or two to make sure everything’s as it should be. The neighbours know not to complain because if they did 45 Travelling Community caravans would be parked up within 12hrs and all the copper and lead would stripped within a day or two.
TSJ had had a trying night recycling lead off the local church roof, so he popped out at 5:30 that morning and jumped into the cab, turned the ignition and floored the accelerator to clear any unburnt diesel out of he exhaust pipe. The gently snoozing Tiddles was ejected from the exhaust pipe at about Mach 4.5 straight into the business end of the green recycling truck. TSJ was of course blissfully unaware of this and trudged back into the house for a soaky bath.
After a day or two Mrs and Mrs Trellis and their daughters realised that Tiddles was missing and mounted an extensive campaign to find the missing moggie include a 6:00pm “clap for Tiddles” but of no avail. Tiddles has gone to the great cattery in the sky. It’s a modern-day tragedy. We can only hope that when TsJ gets to heaven Tiddles is not waiting for him.
Now got a temporary Lockdown job at a Gin Distillery, tasting new flavours – I am sure this will end well.
You may not know our Dobbs was a bit of a God botherer in his youth and was a great fan of Papal infallibility/infertility. To assuage guilt instilled in him from a young age by Catholicism he has been trying to “do the right thing” ever since. Anyway over the years he has become fluent in German and recently his entrepreneurial endeavours won him the contract to act as interpreter to Ursula von der Leyen, President of the European Commission. So, he is in a meeting with Ursula (as she likes to be known) and her team, and it becomes apparent that she has completely flucked up the Vaccination programme in Europe by taking personal charge of the operation.
So as the numbers start coming in; 303 vaccinated in Germany, 759 in France, 3 in Italy and 10 million in England, she exclaims in her native German; “Achtung donner und blitzen and for you Britisher zee var is over”. Now the proper translation of this is in fact “oops, looks like I messed up, I am so sorry, I’d better resign”. Unfortunately, our Dobbs was under a bit of pressure and translated these words as “I don’t give a feck if those Irish bog people start killing each other again, and they can stick Article 16 up their arses for all I care!”.
Once these words were disseminated around the world it quickly became apparent that a miracle had occurred. Once sworn enemies including; The Free Protestants, The Orange Free Protestants, the Unionist Protestants, the Continuity IRA, the Real Continuity IRA, the old IRA that are now happy to live off all the extortion money from the troubles, the Irish Taoiseach, the British Prime Minister and HM the Queen ALL agreed in unison that Ursula was not the messiah but a “very naughty girl”. In achieving this miracle of unity between sworn enemies, our Dobbs will be made a Saint.
Saint Dobbie sounds excellent.
Dobbie is quietly working behind the scenes on a smoother BREXIT
Our Daiz has been working on the Government levelling up agenda and this focuses on the north of the country as you know. If you go to some parts “oop north” and you threw a stone, you would either hit a thief or a prostitute, so the Government is trialling the idea of “free ports” to “level things up a bit”.
Our Daiz has been dispatched in his new camper van to investigate. So he has been parked up in a truckers layby on the outskirts of Grimsby offering £5.00 to any person (male/female/trans) willing to be interviewed regarding the “freeport” idea to see if they might be willing to participate in a “proof of concept pilot study” overseen by his department.
All above board and no-one would be asked to “go all the way” or “do it for real” – just pretend. He has interviewed nearly 500 persons so far and tells me he is very tired and emotional from his experience. Keep up the good work Daisy, we all agree your work is vital for the future of the country.
Apparently Daisy's neighbours don't like his van:
There are a few “new recruits” who have been invited to join during lockdown – you are totally welcome and we hope to see you riding with us very soon.
Check out the website and please get in touch if you need any advice on where to ride, bikes buy, bike repair people and any other bollocks you can think about related to Mountain Biking.
There may be a bike available for you to borrow if your bike is not up to the task:
I repeat some appetisers for 2021 and 2022;
1. Wales again – as soon as we are allowed – it will be booked.
2. Summer solstice all day ride from Marlborough – Faff and Smash to RM
3. Mountain biking in the Alps – scheduled for 2022 – Tonka and Smash have fully scoped logistics
4. The peak district with Faff – late summer 2021
(So get / keep fit for these exciting adventures in 2021!)
…and finally to all those SHABI riders who have not been mentioned above (there are so many!), we really hope to see you when the lockdown finishes. Practice clearing your diary on Tuesday evening and make a vow that once lockdown is over – YES I will be an idiot at least once a week on a Tuesday. Keep the faith, it will end sometime, and then the SHABI’s will once again being doing stupid things on our Mountain Bikes on Tuesdays.
I can’t tell you how much I have missed Tuesday night’s and the company of my fellow idiots. Keep well and keep riding.
I love you all