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23 April 2024, The Hinton Arms

Dearest SHABI’s.


Another gripping tale from our own true life crime writer and modern disciple of Sir Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Homes – Smashie.


TRIGGER WARNING – this story uses language that was common place in the 1890’s and therefore you must realise that certain words had different meaning in those days. If you have a problem, stand in front of a mirror and chant “Trans women are real women” two thousand times and then have a ice bath.



The mysterious case of the Hinton Bunny Murderer.



On a crisp SHABI night, reminiscent of countless others, a peculiar gathering convened in the dimly lit recesses of the Hinton Arms car park.


Among them were Tonka, Big Ring, and Nurse Brown, engaged in a curious enterprise of bike swapping, a venture that seemed to baffle even the keenest of minds. Tonka found himself astride Nursie's bike, while Big Ring pedaled forth on Tonka's trusty steed, leaving Nursie to accompany Tonka in his motor carriage. Such exchanges surely demanded an intellect of extraordinary depth to fathom, for upon emerging, the trio appeared more befuddled than ever. Indeed, Big Ring even remarked upon feeling "a bit queer," a sentiment that hinted at the peculiarity of the evening's events.


However, the tranquility of the night was swiftly shattered by the outcry of Lootenant "the bunny murderer" Dan, who, in a fit of alarm, proclaimed the discovery of a lifeless bunny rabbit behind his Skoda Yeti. Without hesitation, LBD and Smashie hastened to the scene, where they beheld a harrowing sight: the unfortunate creature lay contorted in a manner indicative of profound terror, its demise shrouded in mystery.



With characteristic acumen, Smashie assumed the guise of his esteemed predecessor, Sherlock Holmes, donning his deerstalker hat and pipe as he meticulously surveyed the crime scene. Rabbit prints littered the ground, suggesting that the creature had been peacefully grazing before succumbing to panic, darting beneath the wheels of Lootenant Dan's vehicle. Tire tracks marred the once pristine fur of the bunny, offering grim testimony to its tragic demise.


Yet, it was the bunny's gaze that held the key to the enigma, its eyes frozen in a silent scream, bearing witness to some unseen horror. In his pursuit of truth, Smashie embarked upon a series of interviews with the perturbed witnesses, each providing alibis as intricate as they were suspect.


First to be questioned was Big Ring and he said he was trying to find out which car his replacement bike has been transported in so he expostulated it couldn’t be him

Nurse brown was rearranging his internal organs after a ride in the 650cc diesel Corsa belonging to Tonka so he pleaded he couldn’t be him.


Tonka was trying to work out which bike he had transported for someone else so he claimed he was insane.


Gary Newman was not sure what a Bunny rabbit looked like so how could he run one over and he claimed learning difficulties.


LBD claimed he didn’t care what happened to Bunny rabbits and they should all die – too obvious to be guilty.


Sparky Dick was clear he hadn’t moved an inch in case he ripped off his rear mech before we even started


Chuff said he had retired from being a Law Enforcement Operative and therefore had no need to commit acts of extreme random violence on innocent people or animals


Lootenant “the bunny murderer” Dan said that he reversed slowly and that he usually revved the engine like that and the reversing backwards and forward was just to straighten up in the parking bay and that he only moved the bunny away from the rear of his car because it was staring at him in a “funny way”


Faff, arriving belatedly to the scene, emerged as the prime suspect, his tardiness coinciding with the discovery of the bunny's lifeless form. His calculated attempt to distance himself from the crime scene only served to further incriminate him.



An application has been made to the Nicknames and Personal Wellbeing Committee for a name change from “Faff Cheeks” to the “Hinton Bunny Murderer”. They will be considering the matter urgently.


With the mystery of the bunny's demise seemingly solved, the group embarked on their planned ride, their spirits subdued by the weight of recent events. As they traversed the familiar paths and trails, reminiscing on past adventures and encountering the occasional obstacle, the spectre of the bunny's untimely end lingered in their minds.


Through Cheriton and onto the Ox-drove tracks. Faff is in the red zone immediately as he hasn’t been out much but he manfully keeps going despite oxygen depletion, acid reflux and ongoing Covid infection.



"Go!"

We reach some wood or another and Smashie goes into tour guide mode explaining how the Royalists fought the Parliamentarians on this very spot blah blah. Who cares? If they had mountain bikes in them days – it would have been much more peaceful.


The onto the tin church and Chuff and Smashie reminisce about the time they met a chap who took them around loads of single track in the woods and its never been discovered since blah bloody blah.



Then up a short sharp false flat to the farm and we recover our breath and talk bollocks.

Onto the airfield and we negotiate the kissing gate and it turns out that getting an E-bike through one of these is quite tricky as they are too heavy to liftover….



Down to “Human excrement corner” on the A272 and what a blast that was down the hill. Then along the tracks and we stop prior to the deep mud for Smash and Gary to micturate. Smashie is in the Marmite corner with 3.4981 ml and 360 seconds with Gary with 8.437921ml and 7.4 seconds – a clear decision by knock out.



Then up onto the ridge and along to the green lane. Very rutted with diversions for fallen trees but slightly less shit than the RM expected. No falls or submissions which is disappointing.


Then the RM discovers we are late and its hammer time.


We zip past the Hinton Ampner mansion and we get to the pub at 8:33.000485631, which is not bad.


And so, as the evening waned and the group reconvened for a meal, the bunny's fate was sealed, its remains destined to nourish the denizens of the night. Another chapter closed in the annals of Hinton Arms lore, a testament to the enduring legacy of Sherlock Holmes and his modern disciple, Smashie.


I love you all

Smashie



 

BINKY BYKEKNUT – A Cycling legend answers your questions using Binkychat A&E™



In this feature, Binky will fearlessly tackle any personal or technical issues you might have (these can be submitted via the SHABI Whatsapp group using Artificial Intelligence


 

Dear Binky,


I viciously ran over a Bunny Rabbit with malice aforethought the other day and my mates blamed someone else. They have called him the Hinton Bunny Murderer and he’s not happy.


Equally I don’t really like this chap and am happy for him take the blame.


Should I confess or let this chap take the blame


Lootenant “the bunny murderer” Dan

 


 

Dear Lootenant “the bunny murderer” Dan


You have a dilemma but I think it unlikely that confessing now is going to improve matters so I suggest you keep quiet.


Hope this helps


Binky


"Ain't no Bunny gonna mess with me!"


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