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  • Writer's pictureLBD

6 Feb 2024, Bluebell, Dockenfield

Dearest SHABI’s.



In the usual tradition, LBD and Faff were nominated to RM this week’s ride in accordance with rule 8 subsection 3 part a.


No great drama there, and Faff proceeded to book the table and make arrangements at the Bluebell public house near wherever. Then he got Covid …again! That makes it about 37 times so far since Christmas, so we can only have the greatest sympathy and wish him a speedy recovery. Get well soon dear Faff.


LBD on the other hand had a “headache” and a case of “premeditated skiving” has been alleged and referred to the “Disciplinary and misdemeanours Committee” for review. Personally I don’t fancy his chances as Big Ring Chairs this committee with his imaginary friend and it never ends well for the guilty ..oops sorry the accused.


So it was Yours Truly (Smashie) who stepped into the breach and planned a ride around and about with the use of his OS map on his phone – what could possibly go wrong.


 

Before we get into the ride its time to talk about the riders and this weeks in depth profile is about our very own Equality Diversity and Inclusion officer … Big Ring. Further research into his ancestry lasting seconds reveals that he comes from a long line of Equality Diversity and Inclusion officers dating back to Roman times.



The need for an Equality Diversity and Inclusion officer was first identified in the Colosseum when the slaves were fed to the Lions. It became clear that the Lions preferred to eat “Christians” and did not enjoy the full menu of Non-believers, people from Liphook and Accountants working for the NHS. Our fearless Equality Diversity and Inclusion officer stepped in to advise the Emperor Vesuvius of the error of his ways.


He offered to demonstrate in a “real life Lion eats man/woman/questioning person scenario” how Equality Diversity and Inclusion could improve the visitor experience. Sadly his plan was so successful he was eaten …. but in fairness his remains were shared amongst the pride of lions and a Hyena.



The long line of Equality Diversity and Inclusion officers then continued and the next noted event in History was the Highland Clearances in Scotland. Many of you will recall this was the situation where in 1750 lots of Scottish Lairds sold out to the English and in return for filthy English Money cleared the Scottish peasants from their hovels into a life of penury and prostitution (which is of course exactly the same as when they lived in their hovels on the Highlands … only now they were living in Glasgow).





Big Ring's Father was heavily involved and stepped in to make sure that everyone got to live in a hovel in equally disgusting condition and that syphilis was evenly spread throughout the whole community. He received a medal for his work from Queen Victoria.


Big Ring the youngest is the modern evolution and a fitting heir to the fine tradition of Equality Diversity and Inclusion officers. He has moved with the times modernising the role to todays enlightened standards. He does however sometimes wish the “old times” would come back, and really fancies feeding a few “Vegan, Bi-sexual, parking attendants” to the Lions. He’ll have to check the Lions have not gone Vegetarian, but I think this proposal has a lot of merit.








 

So on with the ride and it was a glorious seven heroes who gathered in the Bluebell carpark including; YT as RM (Smashie), Big Ring DRM, Tonka, Nursie, Slash, Mrs Doyle and new rider Jan.


We set off promptly at the appointed hours and zip down the hill to Dead Cat Weir and along to the Frensham Ponds hotel. Excellent riding under tyre and we chase a baby muntjac deer which was frankly always going to be faster than us. Then past the Hotel and I can still taste the Eggnog from the Strangely Brown Christmas Carol ride – another epic to be repeated later this year.



The Good old days (Circa - Dec 2023)


The over towards the big hill with the “Decent of almost certain death”. A bit of huffing and puffing to get to the top and Tonka has to get off and push. We suspect over exertion in the Bedroom department but he claims it was a “gardening” related injury ..whatever.


We stop at the top and discuss the news that our fellow Hero Slumpy has had the “operation” and we await news as to its success. We all say “we love Slumpy” and wish you well.




Then the descent and everyone gets down safely with new rider Jan showing an unfortunate level of competence suggesting that she still hasn’t quite understood the “SHABI way” but she would go on to show that this early judgement was incorrect when we visit Hitlers Bunker.



Jan Bunker

Then onto Hankley Common and some really sharp hills but we get onto the main ridge to experience a very strong crosswind resulting in riders “tacking” along the ridge. We visit Hitlers Bunker and Jan decided to have a “look inside” to see if the Hitler family are still around. She searches and calls out “Heil Hitler” but no response. Sadly we conclude the Hitlers have moved to Torquay and have bought their dream retirement bungalow.


Jan is now to be known as “Jan Bunker” as a temporary holding nickname.

Then another sharp descent and after a minor retreat we end up at the Golf club next to the Duke of Cambridge.


Onwards and some great single track until we join a green lane which ends in a deep ford river crossing. Before you read what happened at the ford …. transport your mind to another place.


We will call them Tarquin and Talullah. They had just met in the pretentious Wine bar in Farnham and its fair to say they “clicked” over a Vodka Taquila sunrise cocktail. So Tarquin offered to take Talullah for a romantic drive in his 1.1 litre petrol Isuzu pickup truck with yellow flashing “Motorway maintenance” lights on the roof. Tarquin knew the route and thought he’d impress Tallulah with his skill in “off roading” and negotiating the aforementioned ford.


They messaged their friends and were joined by Bazza and Shagga who followed in their 900cc Suzuki Jimney. Tarquin approached the ford and revved the 1.1 litre engine to 21,000 rpm and entered. Tallulla was delighted and said to herself – “Tarquin is such a manly man”. However the “oooh” quickly turned to an “ahhh” as the Isuzu stopped mid ford with the water over the wheels. Soon Tallulah felt her knickers getting wet but not in the way she was expecting. Bazza and Shagga were following in the Suzuki Jimny but were unable to help given that the Jimny has trouble getting up the car park ramp at Waitrose.


Tarquin puts on the special yellow “Motorway Maintenace” yellow flashing lights on the top of the Isizu but no avail. He is truly stuck.

Right then, Tarquin, Tallulah, Bazza and Shagga needed a miracle … but a bunch of idiots called the SHABI’s turned up.


"You can't park there"


After much consideration it was decided that photos were the order of the day and Jan Bunker decided to take a video – see whatsapp. Slash asked if anyone had remembered a tow rope so we could pull them out … but everyone had left their tow rope at home. Nursie offered an inner tube but alas we were unable to help.





So the RM called time and we flucked off to enjoy the rest of the ride. The RM called “Hammer time” and the rest of the ride was a blur as we were short of time. Big Ring has to dig deep at the end as he has run out of gas – good effort chap and no you are not “overweight”.


The rain was pretty persistent now and we get changed and settle down for another great meal at the Bluebell. Cracking food Grommet.


A great 15 miles with no falls, Mechanicals or Botanicals. What a blast


I love you all


Smashie



 


BINKY BYKEKNUT – A Cycling legend answers your questions using Binkychat A&E™





In this feature, Binky will fearlessly tackle any personal or technical issues you might have (these can be submitted via the SHABI Whatsapp group using Artificial Intelligence



 

Dear Binky,


I keep getting Mechanical breakdowns on my Mountain bike. My so-called mates keep taking the piss and tell me I am a cheat – what am I doing wrong


Ms NHS


 

Dear Ms NHS,


You are a cheat, so get over it and be proud. Talk to your Equality Diversity and Inclusion officer if in doubt.


Hope this helps


Binky



 

Dear Binky,


I was trying to impress my new girlfriend Tallulah but got stuck in a deep river crossing. The car flooded and Tallulah got wet.


A bunch of MTB’ers came along but were unable to help. What a bunch of bankers. Can I sue them for damages because Tellulah has ditched me for a bloke with a Vauxhall Corsa.


Tarquin of Godalming

 


Dear Tarquin,


No you can’t because you are a twot.


Hope this helps


Binky


 



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