• LBD

10 Sept – Selborne – The Fields of Fear (10,11)

Dear Shabi’s

It was decided after the previous ride the week before (QE – The land that time forgot) that Selbourne would be a suitable venue for another ride as we “haven’t been there for a while” and Smashie was all agog as RM with Chuffy as DRM. We convened in “shaggers” car park behind the pub (named after a previous gathering had witnessed a camper van parked up; the occupants of which were testing the suspension from the inside with some horizontal jogging).


So, it was Smashie as RM, Chuffy as DRM with Genghis, Slumpy, his carer Tonka, Big Ring, Algee, Fracker and new starter Nigel; who gathered in the car park ready to go. As we are about to set off Algee has a mudguard crisis and decided to remove his mudguard because it was providing an unauthorised aerodynamic advantage (rule 578 part A subsection ii) having forgotten rule 1 – which is that cheating is not only allowed, but actively encouraged.


It was wide open bridleways all the way around!


However, before we get into the ride let’s talk about the riders, and this week’s in-depth interview is with Slumpy’s carer, Tonka, or to give him his full name Simon Guvnor Dickson Tonka Corke.

He was born in 1873 to Mr and Mrs Tonka and spent his childhood in the regions of Byfleet and New Haw (anyone who has travelled by train and had the misfortune to stop at Byfleet and New Haw will know that this is no-man’s land sandwiched between the opulence of St George’s Hill and the badlands of Woking ( see previous in depth interview with Big Ring who comes from Woking).


New Haw - Circa 2019:


However, drawn in by the big city lights, Tonka was always destined to move up in the world:


Woking


Woking - your next move?

According to Tonka (and there are witnesses) his mother was a computer programmer for Winston Churchill:

Mummy Tonka, hacking German emails

And his Father was a prostitute (sorry they are called sex workers these days).

Daddy Tonka. the good old days

Despite, or maybe because, of his parents’ diverse occupations our Tonka had a great start in life but no-one knows how and why he chose to become a Law Enforcement Operative. Having researched the subject for at least five seconds your blogger believes he has stumbled on the truth. When he was very young and impressionable, our Tonka was on a family holiday and entered a Haberdashers in Little Snoring on Sea. However, on this fateful day, when Tonka was “minding his own business” he happened to observe a bespectacled and disabled old Granny helping herself to some stock and secreting these items about her person. He quickly surmised this was a hardened criminal and “shopped” her to the store Owner (the old Granny is still incarcerated but the smell emanating from her cell suggests she might have died)


Eye witnesses report that local Octogenarian Beryl, 'tore shit up' in South Central New Haw

Then some years later, whilst under the control of the “babysitter” (noo don’t go there) he was lucky enough to watch an episode of The Sweeney.


Too young to remember?… See below:

Well that was it – young Tonka aged 2 ½ only wanted to be a Law Enforcement Operative and not only that, he wanted to get into solving major crime