11 Aug Midhurst Madness, (11,19)

Updated: Apr 7

11th August 2020 – the Madness of Midhurst

Dearest SHABI’s

It was 36°C according to the dashboard of the van as Smashie rolled into the dodgy car park behind the bus station in Midhurst High Street. After careering around the corner scattering OAP’s in all directions it was a welcome sight of another five SHABI’s waiting to ride; Chuffy, C2C7, Captn FrackBladder (Bah), Tonka, Strangely Brown, Faff Cheeks, Big Ring, Dobby, Whoops-a-Daisy and Tarmac St John.

First it was noted that there were many new bikes acquired before lockdown and having their first outing including;

· Dobbie on another Orange Bird (that adds to the fleet of Faff’s and CFB’s Orange Birds)– accessorised with a blue headset and other matching parts – Faff Cheeks is super jealous and is now to be seen scouring the internet for blue parts to add to his bike. How about a blue Four4th “Holy Mosses” front light?

· C2C7 on a Pace 529 – nope never heard of it either but it looked the business. Our C2C7 seemed very at home with it and to be fair, it looked very smart with the slim steel frame tubes and grey finish.

· Captn Frackbladder (Bah) on his black and white YT Jeffsey – “ …but he’s had that bike for ages..” I hear you say. Ah technically yes ….you would be right …… but this is bike number 1 in a fleet of three bikes and has been extensively rebuilt from scratch (under warranty I understand) so that the only original parts are 2 No bolts holding on the front disk. The other two bikes are failed and non-operational (Faff will give you the technical term) but to us mortals they are “flucked”.

So already to go but before we talk about the ride ….. lets talk about the riders and this weeks in depth expose is new rider Tarmac St John.

Tarmac St John is a Travelling Community Tarmaccadam legend. Most Travelling Community Operatives working in the Tarmaccadam and roadway surface dressings business, concentrate on the elderly generation and carrying out completely needless Tarmaccadam resurfacing at exorbitant cost usually involving frog marching some old granny down to the cashpoint to withdraw her life savings.


TsJ was the first to bring automation into the business to improve productivity increasing revenue at point of delivery driving an improved customer experience and a sharp increase in revenue on a cost per job basis. No more turning up with a 5 tonne load and raking it about a bit – he purchased (acquired when no-one was looking) a AP655F 129 Kw 15.584 metric Tonne Caterpillar Asphalt Paving machine. The Travelling Community Operatives Tarmaccadam Association were so impressed they canonised him on the spot – hence the St John bit of his name.

Not many old grannys were resistant to his charms when one of these machines was manoeuvred into the driveway I can tell you. A few mobility scooters, including rider, were swallowed up by the machine whilst they were learning to use it, but that is all in the past now.

TSJ laying the first tarmac road in Petersfield, C.2002

Tarmac St John seen here manoeuvring the AP655F 129 Kw 15.584 metric Tonne Caterpillar Asphalt Paving machine into Mrs Treillis’ front driveway (note the dodgy tash TsJ was wearing - always good to disguise one’s fame)

So with profits skyrocketing and his reputation in the Tarmaccadam Travelling Community Operatives Association at an all time high he decided to “quit whilst he was ahead”. There was much sorrow in the Local trading standards departments throughout the land.

Not wanting to waste his expertise he then moved abroad and whilst holidaying in Belarus met up with another family of Tarmaccadam Travelling Community Operatives led by the now President of Belarus … Alexander Lukashenko – note the similarity of the dodgy tash – pity about the comb over but I understand it’s a Belarus thing.

Anyway with his mate Alexander they set about Tarmaccadaming most of Eastern Europe but legitimately this time, using funding from the EU and the World Bank. So the next time you are cruising on a beautiful road in rural Romania or Uganda or anywhere really …thank Tarmac St John. Any chance he could do something with the roads in the UK? No fluck off!