14 Dec, Santa’s Grotto from Midhurst
Many of you have heard the terrible news of Captn Frackbladder’s recent tumble and there has been much gossip around the whole incident that has been both scurrilous and downright wrong.
Therefore after extensive use of well-informed sources known only to Binky Bykeknut, we can now reproduce here the exclusive real actual reports from the Law Enforcement Operatives and the medical team that treated our hero.
West Sussex and Hampshire Law Enforcement Operative report Sunday 5th December.
An Emergency call was received at 12:01:23 from a person in distress at an ill-defined location near or on the South Downs. The caller indicated a person had fallen from his velocipede and was injured. The cause of the fall was not specified. Two Operatives, Sgt Headbutt and Constable Twinkle were dispatched to the scene.
14:23:03 – Operatives report an injured person claiming he had “fallen off his bike” but suspicious evidence suggests this might be a grudge gangland revenge hit. Operatives report wheel marks in the soft ground at the scene of a sort known to be similar to those left previously by the Wheeliebin gang. The Operatives then determined that the injured person was a member of a “local cycling club” who we have on record as previously had confrontations with Wheelie bins.
Despite strongly denying any previous dealings with Wheelie bins, Operatives at the scene felt the victim was not being forthcoming and decided to arrest him under caution for Perverting the course of justice and wanting to go to hospital to have his broken leg seen too. However, due to the blood spurting out everywhere, the Operatives felt it would get the inside of their panda car a bit mucky so let him go to Hospital with the medics who had also arrived at the scene.
General notice to the public. There is a gang of dangerous wheeliebins at large on the South Downs. Members of the public should not approach as they are extremely volatile and can attack without warning. Should you spot a wheelie bin, either general waste or recycling, please call 9999 immediately and report the incident.
Report from St Richards Hospital by Dr D Somegetbetterbychance.
A 59 year patient self-identifying as male, was carried in from the ambulance into the minor injuries clinic at 17:53:12. The Trainee bed blocking clerk administered band aid and plasters along with a nice cup of tea but the patient was unresponsive.
At this point complications set in as the patient fell off his trolley and sustained serious injuries to the lower half of his body.
Regrettably there was no option but to treat the patient who was complaining of a broken leg. Application of morphine stopped the patient complaining whereupon the junior nurse pointed out that the patients’ toes were pointing the wrong way which was a sure sign of something not being quite right.
The hospital staff then did lots of tests and reluctantly decided that the right femur did in fact require a bit of fixing.
The hospital did not have any qualified surgeons so called in Mr Excalibur Swordman a renowned expert for situations where last resort treatment with a cup pf tea has failed. Mr ES performed a Hippoectomy along with a standard strap-on articulated joint reconstruction and the patient is now in recovery with hardly any abnormalities. The hospital will implement home-based rehabilitation as soon as possible regardless of his condition.
The Surgeon and the medical team at St Richards are confident the Patient will make a full recovery.
Formal notice of PROMOTION from the SHABI Honours, titles and nicknames Committee
It is herby decreed that the SHABI rider known as Captain Frackbladder BaH shall be in receipt of a field promotion to MAJOR MECCANO. The Major will be known under this title for everymore until it is changed by a simple suggestion at the meal after a bike ride. In this case the new nickname will supersede the old nickname. All previous mentions of Captn Frackbladder will be taken to read MAJOR MECCANO instead, the male gender shall be read as female, and the single as the plural.
By order - Head of SHABI Honours, titles and nicknames Committee
PHEW – a long read but I hope you can see how important it was to scotch those nasty rumours going around – you can all see he’ll be just right as rain in no time. Lucky – chap he’s been promoted as well to MAJOR!!!
So onto the ride and it was a cheerful eleven riders; Smashie as RM, chuff as DRM along with LBD, Faff, Slash, Slumpy and his carer, Big Ring, Lootenant Dan, Nurse Brown and Dobbie (for it was he).
Before we set off there are minced pies (Mrs Smashie) and Chocolate snowballs (Miss Tonka) that were most very tasty. Genghis is under the weather so no festive tipple sadly. Everyone fettles their Christmas decorations with mentions to Tonka for tinsel in the wheels and Faff for his Elf outfit. Lets not mention Smashies “Dirty Santa” outfit with a “ventilation flap” in a really unfortunate place. He makes up for it by tie wrapping a baby Jeesus by the neck to his Four4th Holy Moses light.
So we set off wishing merry Christmas to the one person observed in Midhurst high street and then onto the first obstacle of the night and the descent of Almost Certain death. Many a perfectly good Christmas bauble came adrift as the Peleton launch over rooty drop offs. Smashie loses a ball and is down to one and a glittery star.
Then through the forest of no return and our resident elf takes a tumble whilst negotiating a deep vehicle track. I never knew Elves could swear in fluent Anglo Saxon but we learn every week.
Then through Iping Common to the World Championship Freewheel face off course. Slash is the winner by a tyre knobble.
We reach Santas Grotto and its another lighting extravaganza. The host takes Slumpy and Big Ring to feed his pigs whilst the rest of us take photos and say “oooooooooooooohhh isn’t that lovely”.
Then its off again and with time running short its Hammer time. Up the top of Woolbedding and along past the former King Edward VI hospital towards Bexley Hill. Then the fantastic blast back into Midhurst downhill all the way.
Past Cowdray farm shop and over to the ruins where Lord Cowdray has laid on a great light show. Back into the carpark and its strip off in double quick time to get to La Piezzetta in time. Great food and on balance better than the pub. Great banter around the table. What a bunch of idiots!
I love you all ♥
Scores on the doors
BINKY BYKEKNUT – A Cycling legend answers your questions
In this feature, Binky will fearlessly tackle any personal or technical issues you might have (these can be submitted via the SHABI Whatsapp group)
Are Wheelie bins usually dangerous?
I was out for a ride recently and I was attacked by a gang of them causing me a serious injury.
Why has no-one highlighted this before? They look so innocent yet they are vicious thugs in reality.
MM of Emswoth
You have done everyone a great service by highlighting this increasing problem of violent Wheelie bins who can attack without warning.
My extensive contacts with the Law Enforcement Operatives both locally and nationally have all suggested this problem is getting worse with foreign gangs of Wheelie bins engaging in a tit for tat fight over territory. If you get in the way, you will get badly hurt.
A more disturbing development is Wheelie bin revenge attacks on groups deemed to be biased against wheelie bins and it seems that Mountain Bikers are a particular source of grievance to the Wheelie bin community.
If confronted by a potentially violent wheelie bin try and stay calm and start a conversation about recycling rates in your local neighbourhood and how people are always putting the wrong things in the wrong bin. Showing empathy and understanding will usually deescalate the situation giving you time to call in trained negotiators who as a last resort will set the Wheelie bin on fire.
If it all turns nasty, I suggest you run for your life!
I hope that helps.