19 Feb, Royal Exchange (13,14)

Updated: Mar 11, 2019

Dear Shabi’s

Blog for 19th February – The Hell of Alice Holt and the jumps of doom

So it was another ride on another God-forsaken Tuesday night but before we discuss the ride, lets discus the riders. I am going to try and give some colour to the faces white with exhaustion as Smashie/Chuffy takes the peleton up another non-descript hill, in deep mud, somewhere between here and there – completely lost.

Royal Ex, Strava (Can you spot the U turn...?)
Firstly, its Daisy:

Daisy has been busy preparing for Brexit day with Her Majesties fleet of dredgers. Basically, when danger strikes, the 30,000-ton dredgers will be deployed on all major inland waterways including the Serpentine in Hyde Park, and they will scoop up anyone thinking of mentioning Brexit (remoaner or brexiteer – no matter), slicing and dicing and before you know it – part of a delivery of ready-mix concrete to a local building site. No mess and no fuss – our Daisy has got it sorted. Clearly with such a heavy responsibility he is very busy. If you know of someone who is a “bit of a nuisance”, Daisy will sort it out for mate’s rates.


Then we come to the winner of last year’s “most meals without ever having ridden award” and our very own DFB. He works in the “security” industry marketing “innovative democratic solutions” to the Government Security Agencies. The “innovative democratic solutions” are regularly tested on unsuspecting members of the public using “stakeholder organisations” ie the Police. You would know them as Tasers but I understand that DFB’s team are working on something much much bigger that will deliver a shock to any unsuspecting member of the public at a voltage that will melt a shell suit. That’s bad if you like wearing shell suits. A few testing issues are still to be ironed out – if applied to a member of the public with a pacemaker it causes the pacemaker to explode with the force of a 120mm high explosive artillery shell – but hey – that puts the Innovation into Democratic Solutions for you.


We must also mention our dear Fracker who has been absent for some weeks now due to illness. He has recently formed a start-up company doing clever stuff with the MOD and training squaddies on how to park trucks – no, I’m sorry to correct you, but it is a complicated process and the MOD has some of the country’s finest minds on it. Unfortunately, his co-directors gave him a NEW set of crayons and the results have not been all that they might have wished for. Our Fracker has gone berserk and started colouring in anything that he feels “could do with a bit more colour” such as the mascot used by the Royal Logistics Corps which used to be a perfectly respectable black and white long horned male goat. Let’s just say its no longer just black and white, and is undergoing treatment for PTSD.


Speaking of Goats, our very own mountain goat, aka Corkey, it turns out, was formerly a law enforcement operative. He has now established that Chuff is also in the aforementioned profession and they are now to be seen discussion on “operational differences” having realised one worked in Surrey and the other in Hampshire. Snippets of conversation overheard include; how Surrey always aim the Taser at the genitals whilst Hampshire go for the face shot; Surrey always recycle their teabags and Hampshire haven’t heard about recycling; but both are agreed that they are looking forward to the latest issue from “innovative democratic solutions”.