19 Feb, Royal Exchange (13,14)
Updated: Mar 11, 2019
Blog for 19th February – The Hell of Alice Holt and the jumps of doom
So it was another ride on another God-forsaken Tuesday night but before we discuss the ride, lets discus the riders. I am going to try and give some colour to the faces white with exhaustion as Smashie/Chuffy takes the peleton up another non-descript hill, in deep mud, somewhere between here and there – completely lost.
Firstly, its Daisy:
Daisy has been busy preparing for Brexit day with Her Majesties fleet of dredgers. Basically, when danger strikes, the 30,000-ton dredgers will be deployed on all major inland waterways including the Serpentine in Hyde Park, and they will scoop up anyone thinking of mentioning Brexit (remoaner or brexiteer – no matter), slicing and dicing and before you know it – part of a delivery of ready-mix concrete to a local building site. No mess and no fuss – our Daisy has got it sorted. Clearly with such a heavy responsibility he is very busy. If you know of someone who is a “bit of a nuisance”, Daisy will sort it out for mate’s rates.
Then we come to the winner of last year’s “most meals without ever having ridden award” and our very own DFB. He works in the “security” industry marketing “innovative democratic solutions” to the Government Security Agencies. The “innovative democratic solutions” are regularly tested on unsuspecting members of the public using “stakeholder organisations” ie the Police. You would know them as Tasers but I understand that DFB’s team are working on something much much bigger that will deliver a shock to any unsuspecting member of the public at a voltage that will melt a shell suit. That’s bad if you like wearing shell suits. A few testing issues are still to be ironed out – if applied to a member of the public with a pacemaker it causes the pacemaker to explode with the force of a 120mm high explosive artillery shell – but hey – that puts the Innovation into Democratic Solutions for you.
We must also mention our dear Fracker who has been absent for some weeks now due to illness. He has recently formed a start-up company doing clever stuff with the MOD and training squaddies on how to park trucks – no, I’m sorry to correct you, but it is a complicated process and the MOD has some of the country’s finest minds on it. Unfortunately, his co-directors gave him a NEW set of crayons and the results have not been all that they might have wished for. Our Fracker has gone berserk and started colouring in anything that he feels “could do with a bit more colour” such as the mascot used by the Royal Logistics Corps which used to be a perfectly respectable black and white long horned male goat. Let’s just say its no longer just black and white, and is undergoing treatment for PTSD.
Speaking of Goats, our very own mountain goat, aka Corkey, it turns out, was formerly a law enforcement operative. He has now established that Chuff is also in the aforementioned profession and they are now to be seen discussion on “operational differences” having realised one worked in Surrey and the other in Hampshire. Snippets of conversation overheard include; how Surrey always aim the Taser at the genitals whilst Hampshire go for the face shot; Surrey always recycle their teabags and Hampshire haven’t heard about recycling; but both are agreed that they are looking forward to the latest issue from “innovative democratic solutions”.
Meanwhile Slumpy 2 has been pushing the technological frontiers in making his bike puncture proof. Having suffered TWO punctures recently he is determined for a puncture to never happen again. Therefore using a technique he calls “thinking”, he has decided to fill his inner-tubes with Mountain Bike Tubeless Tyre Sealant. This stroke of genius, using the “thinking” technique described earlier, marks our man from down under as something special. One to watch methinks and there is no knowing where his genius will take him next.
Genghis has also been absent more often than not recently due to the hot weather and not wishing to get sunburn. YES, it is a problem when riding at night. However, with his legendary ability to father children, there is a rumour that Mrs Genghis might be in the family way again. This might go on to explain his absence as we all know our Genghis is “getting on a bit” and he may be suffering from “performance” issues requiring more time in the marital bed. Now this a totally private matter so please don’t embarrass Genghis by mentioning “performance” or leaving your spare Viagra pills on his bike seat – it could happen to anyone.
Sir Fallalot has really blossomed now he is riding with the SHABI’s. Many of you may not know that before he was a brave Knight of the Realm with SPD’s that didn’t squeak, he was a Commercial Property Agent, a kind of downmarket Estate Agent dealing in garden sheds. SHEDS R US was the catchy catch phrase but despite this, it must be said that his horizons were limited. However, once he had managed to rescue his first Damsel in distress (and married the poor girl) he has not looked back and his career has taken on a new life. When is he not scouring the plains for other Knights whose SPD’s don’t squeak, he is rescuing Damsels left right and centre. So prolific have been his exploits that “Innovative Democratic Solutions” have been onto him to see if he can test their “super new shiny” taser on a Dragon. WTF that is going to take some balls, but on the other hand if Sir Fallalot uses the “Surrey Constabulary” technique, it’s the Dragon who will probably be more concerned.
Dobbie has also had “career” problems in the past, having been formerly a top-flight executive with a PA in a short skirt and so on. However he made the wrong move at the coffee machine: what was meant as a bit of “friendly” bodily contact, got misinterpreted, so he sacked himself, citing the intolerable working conditions he was subjecting himself to. But never being someone to reflect on what others think of him, he has now plunged himself into the world of international translation. I understand he has been involved in translating for our very own Prime Minister at the Brexit negotiations, as the Europeans insist on negotiating in French. No-one seems to have realised yet that Dobbie only speaks English and German, but clearly progress is being made and as we all know – Brexit is going swimmingly.
Algernon has also been absent for a number of weeks citing broken ribs, an injury that he sustained whilst out doing jump practice on Saturday with Spanner. From first-hand accounts of the crash and a forensic inspection of the crash site I conclude a number of things: Spanner spent many seconds explaining to Algy how to jump; summarised as “don’t touch the brakes, aim at the ramp and pray” which clearly Algy, being a teacher, failed to pay any attention to. Furthermore, Algy was at least 3” above ground level so when “it all went wrong” it was going to hurt big time. Overall a salutary lesson for our hero and a lesson to the rest of us – trust in Spanner.
back to the riding and we gather at the Royal Exchange in such numbers that the carpark is overflowing causing Smashie and Genghis to park the Pikey van around the back. Attendees include: Smashie (RM), Chuffy (Deputy RM), Genghis, Dobbie, Spanish, Polly, Sir Fallalot, Algernon, Dave the Plasterer, Plastic Nick, Slumpy, Corkey, Mick the Numbers man – yes that’s 13 and immediately the RM and DRM were in trouble being more riders than fingers so RM and DRM, acting as a team, agreed to put one on the front and one on the rear to keep order in the Peleton. In law enforcement operative language – any more than 10 and it’s a riot.
Off we set and almost immediately the local traffic had a go at running over the back markers much to the frustration of motorists trying to use the road (how very dare they!). Nevertheless, we make it into the woods and we set off with Chuffy at the helm and immediately have to retreat due to misdirection. Never mind, everyone is in good spirits and we head for the jumps around the back of the old Louisburg barracks.
Smashie takes over and everyone has fun over the dips and berms with no incidents. Then along towards the Cricketers and Smashie has a bit of brain fade takes the Peleton into the woods of no return but luckily a path is spotted and progress is resumed.
Now into Alice Holt woods and Chuffy takes over again and the deeper we go into the trees the deeper the mud. But no drama until we crossover the Glasgow to Belfast main road whereupon Chuffy gets lost again. Handing over to Smashie it gets even muddier and it’s here that Pete the Plasterer manages to bunny hop over a stream – that’s skill…. so he’ll have to be careful as the SHABI’s don’t really go in for skill … its more of a luck thing for the rest of us. Still very impressive.
Finally we come out of Alice Holt and down the trail of mud and death which was surprisingly fast. Noted the bluebells are emerging – spring is about to spring! Then the final blast back to the pub and Mick the numbers has a chain issue but is superbly equipped with a quick link so back on the road and back into the pub just in the nick of time.
We settle down for food and much good conversation but a couple of vignettes for you to ponder. Dave the Plasterer is a very skilled Trials rider (competitors on motorbikes navigate tricky sections with steep hills, roots and stuff – google it – its mind blowing what they can do). Slumpy has finally discovered his SHABI T-shirt and the competition is on for the 2019 with a vengeance. Sir Fallalot has become so large around his middle section that his T-shirt no longer fits – but NO he is not fat – just big boned.
Scores on the doors:
I LOVE YOU ALL