23 June, OxDrove Tracks, (6,6,1,20)

Dearest SHABI’s

It Mid-summer and the weather is perfect so what better place to go than the ancient oxdrove tracks around Alresford.

The peleton consisted of six riders including; Chuff (DRM) and Smashie (RM) along with fellow riders: Daisy, C2C7, Captain Frackbladder, Love Bus Driver, Faff Cheeks, Slumpy, his carer Tonka, Slasher, Big Ring, John “Tarmac” Petersfield, Strangley Brown,

However, before we get onto the ride let’s talk about the riders and this week’s in-depth profile is new boy, Slasher Giles.

When you hear the name “slasher” you might be forgiven for thinking our man has been “doing time for a while” and has garroted his granny or some-such. But no, the Giles family gets its name from the court of George III. Grandpa Slasher Giles (as he became known) was born in 1723 in to family of costumiers making posh frocks for the King’s mistresses (you were allowed mistresses in those days). In a flash of inspiration, he realised that the monarch would appreciate being able to disrobe his intended and so invented the “Slash” which was incorporated into the hosiery of the finest gentlemen and women of the land. What is a “slash”? See below;

The true purpose of the “slash” was known to all, but soon became a “fashion statement” with even the poorest wishing to be seen with slashes in their finest Sunday best (easier for the poor – they were dressed in rags already). Anyway before you knew it, Grandpa became known as Grandpa Slasher Giles. He became wealthy and respected and managed to get one of the King’s Mistresses “in the club” and before you knew it, there was another Slasher in the family. So, Father Slasher (son of Grandpa Slasher) learnt the trade and soon surpassed the high standards already set to become a fashion icon alongside; Versace, Christian Dior and Mrs Gruntfuttock.

He soon adapted to the changes in fashion with ladies wearing less voluminous undergarments (big pants are out – thongs are in my darling) and of course the trend for strapless, bra-less hold it all together with “tit-tape” thing. Father Slasher, never one to rest on his laurels, developed new techniques using the best Tamagochi Japanese steel knives for the finest slash. It was said that such was his skill, he could “slash” the garments and undertake a quick trim in the “lady garden” area all in one go. That’s impressive! His name became a by-word for discretion and professionalism.


So why do we no longer hear the name of Father Slasher Giles mentioned in high places?

In the middle of a delicate “slash” operation our hero tragically had an undiagnosed case of “sudden onset violent epileptic fit syndrome” and the rest I can leave to your imagination. If you are not sure how awful this syndrome can be, just volunteer to be RM and get back to the pub too late for food and stand back whilst Chuff has a severe case of the above.

You would have thought that after this tragic occurrence Father Slasher would be spending a lot of time at Her Majesty’s pleasure but luckily for him, Tonka’s old boss, the “Guvnor”, was in charge of the investigation and the teenage assistant was found guilty (even though she was in Ibiza at the time), and is currently in Broadmoor still protesting her innocence. Nevertheless Father Slasher was ruined and with people using the internet to “have a go themselves” he eventually took early retirement and whilst in a Care home in Little Snoring on sea, got one of the care assistants “in the club” and hence we now have the latest addition to our ranks – SLASHER GILES.