23 June, OxDrove Tracks, (6,6,1,20)
It Mid-summer and the weather is perfect so what better place to go than the ancient oxdrove tracks around Alresford.
The peleton consisted of six riders including; Chuff (DRM) and Smashie (RM) along with fellow riders: Daisy, C2C7, Captain Frackbladder, Love Bus Driver, Faff Cheeks, Slumpy, his carer Tonka, Slasher, Big Ring, John “Tarmac” Petersfield, Strangley Brown,
However, before we get onto the ride let’s talk about the riders and this week’s in-depth profile is new boy, Slasher Giles.
When you hear the name “slasher” you might be forgiven for thinking our man has been “doing time for a while” and has garroted his granny or some-such. But no, the Giles family gets its name from the court of George III. Grandpa Slasher Giles (as he became known) was born in 1723 in to family of costumiers making posh frocks for the King’s mistresses (you were allowed mistresses in those days). In a flash of inspiration, he realised that the monarch would appreciate being able to disrobe his intended and so invented the “Slash” which was incorporated into the hosiery of the finest gentlemen and women of the land. What is a “slash”? See below;
The true purpose of the “slash” was known to all, but soon became a “fashion statement” with even the poorest wishing to be seen with slashes in their finest Sunday best (easier for the poor – they were dressed in rags already). Anyway before you knew it, Grandpa became known as Grandpa Slasher Giles. He became wealthy and respected and managed to get one of the King’s Mistresses “in the club” and before you knew it, there was another Slasher in the family. So, Father Slasher (son of Grandpa Slasher) learnt the trade and soon surpassed the high standards already set to become a fashion icon alongside; Versace, Christian Dior and Mrs Gruntfuttock.
He soon adapted to the changes in fashion with ladies wearing less voluminous undergarments (big pants are out – thongs are in my darling) and of course the trend for strapless, bra-less hold it all together with “tit-tape” thing. Father Slasher, never one to rest on his laurels, developed new techniques using the best Tamagochi Japanese steel knives for the finest slash. It was said that such was his skill, he could “slash” the garments and undertake a quick trim in the “lady garden” area all in one go. That’s impressive! His name became a by-word for discretion and professionalism.
So why do we no longer hear the name of Father Slasher Giles mentioned in high places?
In the middle of a delicate “slash” operation our hero tragically had an undiagnosed case of “sudden onset violent epileptic fit syndrome” and the rest I can leave to your imagination. If you are not sure how awful this syndrome can be, just volunteer to be RM and get back to the pub too late for food and stand back whilst Chuff has a severe case of the above.
You would have thought that after this tragic occurrence Father Slasher would be spending a lot of time at Her Majesty’s pleasure but luckily for him, Tonka’s old boss, the “Guvnor”, was in charge of the investigation and the teenage assistant was found guilty (even though she was in Ibiza at the time), and is currently in Broadmoor still protesting her innocence. Nevertheless Father Slasher was ruined and with people using the internet to “have a go themselves” he eventually took early retirement and whilst in a Care home in Little Snoring on sea, got one of the care assistants “in the club” and hence we now have the latest addition to our ranks – SLASHER GILES.
So now onto the ride. With only six riders it was still felt a DRM would be a good idea so Chuff was volunteered and off we set. We zip through Alresford and onto the first section of Oxdrove. Captain Frackbladder was on his new Bird and was flying along whilst still able to converse in a normal voice such is his fitness these days.
The RM had made much play on wearing bramble and nettle protection but some had ignored this advice and Slasher and Tarmac began to suffer immediately. Then onto some place or another and more Oxdrove tracks which were rock hard apart from patches of slimy mud, which when you hit a full speed, made for an interesting and sudden loss of control.
Through more tracks replete with nettles and bramble which did in no way hinder the progress of the hard men of the SHABI’s despite the frequent calls of “I want my mummy” or “I have just had a little prick on my finger” etc.
Then a small section of road and a very protective lady puts out her walking stick to ensure a 2m social distance. However, round the next corner the entire peleton was nearly wiped out by a tractor being driven by Farmer “I will take no prisoners” Bullface McHardman travelling at great speed.
Then a search for Baby Dinosaurs – 3 confirmed sightings and 5,387 possible sightings and we are off again.
Time for the famous “Freewheel face off” and Captain Frackbladder is tasked to explain the rules to the newcomers. So, after an interminable description from CFB, and it must be said being none the wiser as to the actual rules, we start the “face off” on the World Championship course using the “Revised Mornington Crescent Rules”. Slumpy takes an early lead by virtue of his yellow T-shirt and socks, closely followed by his carer, with CFB in close pursuit. The say “old age and treachery” will out and by shouting “go right” at the critical road junction, Captain Frackbladder caused the two leaders to turn right instead of going straight on. Consequently, Slumpy and Tonka are disqualified (rule 76 part i subsection 23) and CFB cements his place in the pantheon of all-time great Freeloaders.
Back onto the Oxdrove tracks and what a blast back to Alresford but the relentless pace was have a telling effect on Daisy’s spare bike called Scott, with a slack chain, broken spoke and a serious mechanical failure to the reflector in the front wheel. How he kept going we will never know.
Captain Frackbladder swallowed a fly. The fly is doing well in the local ITU and is expected to make a full recovery.
We get to Alresford and immediately there is controversy at the picnic point. Faff Cheeks orders a “pickled egg” and gets instead a “pickled onion”. I hope this “sudden onset violent epileptic fit syndrome” is not a communicatable disease.
Strangely Brown brings beer and received three marriage proposals in return for a bottle. Extra point for our hero – well done.
What a great picnic we had with LBD, Faff Cheeks and Smashie staying long after bedtime talking bike bollocks.
BINKY BYKEKNUT – A Cycling legend answers your questions
In this feature, Binky will fearlessly tackle any personal or technical issues you might have (these can be submitted via the SHABI Whatsapp group)
The reflector in my front wheel is a bit loose. Is this bad and will it affect my aerodynamic performance?
Yours Ms D Duke from Bognor
Dear Ms Duke
Yes it will.
Nothing is more serious that a loose front reflector. Go to your local bike shop immediately and give them your credit card and tell them to spend what ever it takes.
Hope this helps
Scores on the doors
I Love you all