5th November – Slumpy’s trip to Cheriton

It was bonfire night and Slumpy was adamant that we should ride from The Hinton Arms and it would be dry and warm and we would be able to watch the fireworks from the vista offered by the south downs way. Genghis thought it would be too sunny and therefore stayed at home to polish his helmet ready for next week.

Meanwhile in another part of town Fraker’s bike was in total mechanical meltdown after the trip to Wales with the drive train broken and the dropper post not functional, so he borrows Smashie’s Bird.

The faithful gathered and it was; Smashie as RM, Chuffy as DRM, Dobbie, Big Ring, Slumpy and his carer Tonka, LBD, Faff Cheeks and of course Fracker.

We set off for the south downs way roughly on time and progress was good, and although the going was wet, it was not impassable. We get to the first gate and all is well and we head off over the fields which is surprisingly hard going as much power from the rear wheel is absorbed into the soft grass. There is much grumbling.

Then we smell the classic odour of Eau de Slumpy Mademoiselle which was being piped onto the fields as “fertilizer”. It got muddier and smellier and Slumpy got happier and started singing “glorious mud, glorious mud, there’s nothing quite like glorious mud etc!”. His carer, Tonka, struggles to keep everything “under control”.

We are now riding on pure slime but the skill of the SHABI’s shines through and we get to the A86203 and we cross scaring motorists with our lights. Then into the woods and some great single-track followed by the electric fence field traverse which was accomplished without anyone electrocuting themselves (or if they did, they didn’t notice it).

Slumpy has an argument with a bramble before his carer can intervene and Slumpers comes off very much the worst in the altercation – there is blood.

We are still travelling towards Alresford and we still haven’t seen any fireworks but Slumpy is as cheerful as ever, especially when we hit more mud and Fracker has a lie down in a puddle (well there was some water in the puddle before he fell into it …but not afterwards). There are allegations that he was pushed ….. and although there is a very senior Law Enforcement Operative on hand it would seem he is the person who had done the pushing…. So “nothing to see here …just move along now unless want to be tazered in the genitals etc”

Then onto the BIG roundabout and a short sharp descent under the A86203 which was surprisingly fun having some challenging corners to negotiate at speed.

We see some fireworks – 3 of them – each one lasts 0.001 seconds - celebrations all round.

Then over the golf course and the RM gets a bit lost and we spend more time on the golf course than anticipated. However the RM finds himself and the route home via the sewage works (Slumpy is orgasmic and his carer has to step in to calm it all down). Then some slippy chalk and we enter the land of the oxdrove tracks. The DRM tells everyone to hurry up as time is running out.

Finally, we head through the Cheriton City Centre and arrive on the dot of 8:30 after a very full 14 miles. Faff Cheeks Spots an opportunity for some additional faffing by running the pub car park tap over his muddy steed, not a bad idea so LBD follows suit

Straight into the pub and LBD gets emotional as he accepts donations towards his project to build the most sophisticated SHABI website project ever. Thought your most intimate personal data was safe? Certainly not with LBD on the case.

So we finish our meal and head for home.

Some dates for your diary:

1. 12th November – Fox runs Free

2. 19th November – Three Horse Shoes – SFAL’s 50th Birthday

3. 26th November – Victoria Inn – Dobbie to RM

4. 3rd December – Midhurst – Christmas lights and Santa’a grotto

BINKY BYKEKNUT – A Cycling legend answers your questions

In this feature, Binky will fearlessly tackle any personal or technical issues you might have (these can be submitted via the SHABI Whatsapp group)

Dear Binky,

Recently my brakes failed and I refilled them with Mineral Oil instead of DOT5 as recommended on the brake leaver hood.

Will I get away with it?

Yours C of Liss

Dear C,

No – your brakes are now scrap metal.

Here’s some background reading.

Heat/moisture management: DOT fluid manages heat better. While pure mineral oil and pure DOT fluid both have boiling points around 280C, DOT fluid is much better at managing water, which, over time, always finds its way into any brake system. DOT fluid makes any water in the system part of the fluid, while mineral oil pushes water to the edges. If a fair amount of water migrates into a mineral oil system, water’s boiling point, 100C, becomes that of the system. Our tests showed that even old, “wet” DOT fluid the boiling point never gets below 180C, while a bike brake system rarely sees temperatures over this point. The result: DOT fluid offers more consistent braking performance.

Feel: DOT fluid is less compressible than mineral oil. DOT was specifically invented to be incompressible—a key attribute of any high-performance hydraulic fluid.

Serviceability: Both mineral oil and DOT fluid systems require regular service. Both fluids must be handled the same way: wear gloves, collect your waste fluid, and recycle it appropriately. DOT fluid offers some advantages: For example, DOT refers to the United States Department of Transportation, which means the fluid must meet a common set of standards set by this regulatory agency. DOT fluid can also be cleaned up with water, no solvents required.

Hope this helps

Binky

Dear Binky,

I often get discomfort in the Gentleman’s sausage area and have been told that the application of large amounts of Annusol is the best solution.

What do you recommend?

Yours faithfully

S of Liss – address supplied but withheld for obvious reason

Dear S,

You have touched on a sensitive area (literally) and it is good to talk about this sort of thing because everyone else is thinking about it, but are too cowardly to speak up – so well done for writing in.

Personally, I try and enhance the grip between my buttock cheeks and the saddle for that little bit of extra performance. I have found Annusol less effective than a mixture of Petroleum Gelly, Talcum powder and coffee grounds mixed to a thick paste and applied everywhere. Just be careful if you feel the need to let out a really big fart – the results can be impressively bad for anyone following too close behind.

Hope this helps

Binky

Dear Binky,

What do you recommend for keeping your feet dry in winter? I have seen those winter boots – are they any good as they seem a bit pricey at £ 120 a pair?

Kind regards

D of Alton Address withheld

Dear D,

If you are put off by the price, I recommend you pay 10p for a pair of Tesco plastic shopping bags and wear one on each foot. Throw away after use. For the price of a pair of winter warmer boots at £120 you could be riding in perfect comfort for 1,200 rides or, assuming you rode 25 Tuesdays a year with the bags on, that’s enough bags to last 48 years.

Only downside is that you will look like a bag lady.

Hope this helps

Binky

Scores on the Doors

I love you all

Smashie X